I don’t know if angels say that, when they’re being angelic. I’m not sure they say anything really, especially if they’re Jewish angels, because then if there were two of them, they’d have 3 different opinions about the same thing and they’d end up arguing. Which is not just ‘not very angelic’ but defeats the entire point of angels altogether. So best if they don’t say anything. Because they are spirits and NOT humans. Hence they are pure in a way that only me and… well, just me really, can be whilst still retaining humanity. Because to err is human, as we all know, because we do it every day. Pretty much all day every day.

Except today. Yom Kippur. Misnomeringly (another day, another new word invented; well, bastardised to shit, at least) translated as ‘the day of atonement’ in English because English is a Christian language and goes straight for the extreme version involving heaven, hell, atonement, redemption and Forgiveness. Judaism is all about compromise. Negotiation. Coming to an accord. Everyone walking away happy. Unless you’re an angel, then you don’t walk so much as ‘float’. And you don’t ‘atone’ for your sins because they’re done, its over, move on. What you do is accept that you have sinned and, here’s the important, Yom Kippurish bit, try and make fewer sins next year.

So the aspiration of the day is just ‘improvement’ in a moral, decent, humanitarian way. And you do that by trying to feel like an angel, just for a fleeting glimpse… ok, done that, now we can say: well I’m ‘here’ now, lying, cheating, conning, robbing, mugging, swearing (iss’a sin, innit? FFS?), personising, (depending on whether you womanise or manise, or something in between), fighting, aggressive dipshit. And where I’m heading for (other than ‘hell’ or ‘jail’) is Angel! So I need to make just a small move in that direction. Anything is an improvement. HE will take that for this year, then we can improve again.

And you do that by sitting in a synagogue for 25 hours mumbling in a language you don’t really understand, whilst fasting. OR, like me, you can achieve spiritual ‘one-ness’, that holiest of states, by standing on a street corner wearing a stab-vest and walkie-talkie protecting your flock by looking out for terrorists, jihadis and pizza delivery men.

Almost done now, then we can eat!!!!

A xxxx