In the Vietnam war, in the 60s, American soldiers were given steroids and amphetamines to enhance their battle performance. Greater strength, longer endurance, less tiredness. Some drugs do that. That’s why they’re called ‘performance enhancing’ and became the mainstay of the athletics industry since then. In ever less-detectable forms. Steroids for strength and muscle, amphetamines for energy; how can you go wrong with that? The rest of the drugs they took, in massive, vast, industrial quantities during that awful war, they did voluntarily. The heroin, the cocaine, entire forests of cannabis. That’s what happens when you go to war in a jungle. Drugs just grow wild.

But the steroid/amphetamine grounding is kind’a logical for soldiers doing physical exertion for ridiculously long stretches and trying to stay sharp, focussed and energised.

However, due to this pharmacological paradigm being embraced by many athletes, gym-heads and virtually every Russian who ever donned a pair of running shoes, there have been found to be associated problems. Steroid psychosis is a big one. You build someone up into a be-muscled mega-god, then he goes nutty and runs wild. The metaphor used in ‘The Hulk’. Be careful what you wish for. Amphetamines are great. Until you actually do need to sleep, then you have to end up taking other shit to force slumber. Drugs to overcome the drugs. The old lady who swallowed the fly.

So now they’ve come up with a new kind of ‘drug’. Something more appropriate in the post-Pokemon world. Something delightfully digital.

Its a headset that looks like the same ones all those tossers wear on the street so they’re never not blue-toothed from Facebook, but in fact the rubber pads that hold them in place send electric pulses into the brain (Facebook types, contrary to their appearance and actions, do in fact have a rudimentary kind of brain) which stimulate muscle action. Its called ‘neuropriming’ and they’ve found that soldiers (in America where its tested; you wouldn’t wanna try it on real people, just in case) developed up to 12% extra strength using the device. Wearers develop ‘more precise, more co-ordinated, more explosive movement’. Brilliant for soldiers. Hmmmmm, brilliant for everyone. Especially athletes.

Upon whom, its already being tested.

Is this cheating? How long before (let’s say) the Russians develop an incy-teensy version powered by a Tesla battery, that sits inside the ear/under the skin? Will it be banned? Its not a drug. Its a… a thing.

And I want one. Just for hauling myself out of bed in the morning, or watching a particularly strenuous tv show.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx