Mauricio Pochettino is the new manager at Spurs. Yay. We have a new boss. A new masterplan. A new broom. A new regime. A new methodology, a new paradigm, a new future, a WHOLE NEW FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry about that. But its new; let’s leave it at that. And I’m really excited, really pleased, really everything I should be about this appointment. Even though I’ve known 9 previous such appointments under Daniel Levy in the last 13 years of his chairmanship. And they all generally end the same way. With a 5th/6th in the league position, with the fans pissed off because we’ve been playing like Stoke, with everyone else seemingly impressed that we’re doing ok with our 1-0 wins and 0-0 draws and goal difference of 3 after 25 matches, and with the little bald chairman looking inscrutable and unimpressed.

So to Mauricio I say ‘welcome’ from the bottom of my heart. And to Daniel I say: ‘NOW FUCK OFF AND LET HIM MANAGE’. Because whatever happens, we need a long term strategy. We need to dispense with Baldini, not because he’s a worthless piece of shit, which he is, but because the role of Director of Football makes no sense to anyone other than Daniel Levy who is so loyal to that post within his organisation that even the great 100 million pound debacle of 2013 still hasn’t changed his thinking.
Let’s give Mauricio time and more importantly, let’s give him the power to control his own destiny, by letting him select the players to buy. Because he has to ensure they fit in every way and become part of ‘the plan’. Rather than Baldini’s more Cleggish approach involving headless chickens and throwing money down a toilet. “Hey, got any coffee coloured midfielders there? Gotta be really big, nice and slow, nothing too quick or exciting, more lumbering and leaden… ok, I’ll take half a dozen. Can you wrap those, please?”

One day at a time, Mauricio, just one day at a time. That’s what your contract says, even if its not in actual words.

Meanwhile, we may not win World Cups, but we can still top league tables, here in our small, modest little island. This time its the table for ‘fattest girls in Europe’ and we’re up there with a totally, pizza-hoovering, stonking 30%!!!!!
Yes, 30% of our girls are obese or overweight. Applause, applause. For a moment there it looked like those Greeks were going to lay on some extra moussakas, wrap them in pitta and deep fry the whole lot in hummus but sadly their economy’s so shitty they just ran out of chick peas, so we pipped them at the post. to claim victory. A spokesman for the British Fat Bastard Society said: “our girls done us proud, (chomp, chomp, chew chew), this took a massive sustained effort over years; victories like this don’t just arrive overnight, ya know. And our gels (bite, chew, chew) have had to make big sacrifices for this. They’ve sacrificed virtually all exercise and most healthy food for the last 5 years. They’ve supersized everything from Coke to their hips. And now they’re reaping the rewards with a result like this. Where’s the nearest heart hospital?”

Ahhh, happy thursday

A xxxx