There’s only one God, all the major religions are agreed about that (if nothing else). Though the Hindus have about 12,000 gods, so we’ll ignore them for the purposes of this debate. And because I’m sure that the God who I don’t believe in was NOT a fucking elephant. Gorilla maybe, lemur, but an elephant??

And today is the start of Passover for us Jews. And is also Good Friday, for them Christians. Maybe its a Hindu festival too and they’re gonna eat bananas and sticky buns. Who knows. But if history is to be believed, on this day… so many thousand years ago, Moses led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the ‘Promised Land’ which then became more ‘The Highly Contentious Land’ even though back then there were no Arabs of any description. Nor Christians for that matter. And then just 2000 years ago, on this very same day, that very same God (not the elephant, the lemur; do keep up!) arranged for his recently dead son to rise up in re-incarnation so he could eat Easter Eggs.

Which is a problem. Because ‘our’ God never had a son. But the Christian God did. Was God leading a double life? Was he ‘playing away’??? I think this needs investigating as about a half the world find this very important indeed.

On Passover we have to tell ‘the story’. It’s our job. And I take such things very seriously. In fact its the only religious-ish thing I really like because we get to eat a lot and drink wine. Fasting and praying can only take me so far. Tonight even Lila is coming round for the story (see above pic).

And this is the story.

Moses, a massive Spurs fan, was a slave in Egypt, under the wicked, cruel, pantomime-ish Pharoah (second cousin, 97-times removed from Sheikh Mansoor) and he (Moses) was pissed off. So he told his wife he was leaving. Not so much leaving her as leaving the whole place, f’rever. Holy shit, said his wife. Before we go we need to do something. We need to take all our plates, bowls, dishes, knives, forks and spoons, pots, pans and food, hide them away and replace them with another set that looks identical BUT which haven’t touched any bread, wheat, corn, nothing. Moses looked at her and said the immortal words: ‘bis tu meshuggah, a bissel sedrate?’ (‘Are you mad? A little insane??’) Don’t you realise that you are cursing the entire future of Jews forever and eternally to repeat this ridiculous thing??? If we do that we won’t even have time to let the bread rise before we run through the parting Sea!!! I won’t be able to watch the highlights from the Champions League Quarter Final!!!! But she was adamant. Maybe should have been ‘eve-a-ment’ but history distorts.

And thus we tell the tale, generation after generation. And, cynicism aside, its a great thing to do. I have no idea why, but it just is.

Happy Pesach/Easter/whatever

A xxxx