I love an Oscar. Love the whole thing. The event, the parties, the goody-bags. Brilliant. And such a perfect demonstration of the austerity the world faces. The event goes on for 4 hours. Four fucking hours of sobbing, stumbling over dresses never designed to be walked in, smug, self-satisfaction married to hateful, resentful stares by the applauding ‘losers’ and the speeches. Oh. My. Gooooooooood, the speeches. Tear-laden, overly-emotional, unprepared (though how is that even possible??) rants thanking everyone from directors to the manufacturers of their juice-makers, from ‘mom’ to their high school cricket coach, and they’ve never even played cricket. The losers consoled with goody bags containing a Porsche, three houses; one in Gstaad, one in Malibu and one in Harlow New Town, a million pounds worth of jewellery, perfumes, games consoles, 98 inch smart-tvs, an iphone 7 and a signed Harry Kane Spurs ‘away’ shirt. Lucky, lucky, spoilt, over-privileged, indulgent tossers.

Yet it means so much. To, errr… to… hmmm… well, to the world, to the poor of Tanzania, to the dispossessed of Syria, to the prisoners in China, and especially, to the movie industry.

And the Oscar for the best Drama Queen of 2015 goes to… (pause for effect, expectation and flatulence)… goes to Jose Morinho in The Persecution Complex. A brilliant portrayal of a man tortured by his own demons, seeing the world in a conspiracy against him, especially anyone dressed in black. He plays his role with passion, with emotion, with pathos and in a very strange accent. We hope his psychotherapy is successful and he can be let out of his padded room any month now.

The Oscar for most consistent behaviour over a very long time goes to… Joey Barton for his part in Why Did you Send Me Off when I only pushed One Geezer to the Floor and Punched another In The Stomach???? A wonderful film showing how psychopaths never change their spots. Or cross their metaphors.

Newcomer of the Year goes to… Harry Kane. We’ve said it all before and doubtless will again before the Season’s over. Boy’s Own hero. He’s English. He’s common as muck. He’s wonderful and we love him.

And finally, the Oscar for 50 Shades of Despondency goes to… Louis Van Gaal for his ongoing part in The Man with the Funny Shaped Head. Louis consistently shows the entire range of human emotion; from frustration to depression, from anger to hatred, from bad to worse. Brilliant. Long may that show continue.

Arsenal came 4th.

Happy Oscar Sunday

A xxxx