I gotta new iPad. And I’m hating it already. If the ‘set up’ process’ doesn’t kill you then the added new features will drive you insane within 2 days. Plus the additional benefit of every time you press something new it wants to give you lectures, tutorials, videos, instructions and, basically TOO MUCH INFORMATION. It wants to spellcheck everything, which, even for a quasi-dyslexic like me is hateful. I reserve the right to invent new words and mis-spell whenever I frikkin want. A clever person would work out how to switch off the evil that is ‘predictive text’, whereas I just keep a hammer nearby in case it gets too much.

My old iPad was about 10 years old but still functioning. Unlike Mel’s ‘mini’ one which had suddenly refused to use its web browser in any meaningful way. Like ‘at all’. So we went to Brent Cross (Soddom and Gomorrah for the digital age) on Sunday to visit the Apple store. And it is the most horrible place on planet Earth. Every mother who goes shopping dumps their kids there to ‘play’. They could go to the little playground, but heh, iPads and laptops are much more fun. And involve much less movement.

There’s lots of Apple People (black shirts, logos, lanyards, earpieces, silicon chips where their eyes would normally be) so you ask one for help. “We want to buy 2 new iPads, a big one and a little one, please”. Almost smiling the woman says “do you have an appointment?” I thought she was joking. Firstly because there were at least a dozen black-shirted semi-bots milling around aimlessly (unless they were doing some kind of internal processing that lesser mortals don’t know about). And secondly because I didn’t need an appointment to buy shit in Marks and Spencers, nor Waitrose. “Ah but some of those are technicians and others engaged in… Apple shit, someone should be with you in about 10 minutes”.

We found a ‘miller’ who was quite nice and helpful and showed us our options. Which were severely limited. Severely. If you need a keyboard you need the iPad Pro!!!! Did you know that? The ‘pro’ is 300 quid more than the regular one and the keyboard is 160 quid on top. But the ‘pro’ offers a million brilliant advantages… that I will never use. Whereas a keyboard I use all the effin time. “Sorry, can’t help you”.

Despondent we went next door to John Lewis. Where they not only sell keyboards for Apple stuff that Apple don’t, because its not made by them, but they give you proper advice. So I bought last year’s model, because fits the keyboard case that is quite brilliant, all for (in Apple terms) virtually nothing. John Lewis keep slightly older stuff in stock, Apple don’t. Mel got a keyboard for her new mini one too. In case she should succumb to keyboard envy.

I’m still definitely not talking about football. Any football. And its Yom Kippur today, so I’m not allowed anyway. No food, no football. No f-words, in fact.

Happy Fast day (ok, re-think the f-word thing)

A xxxx