Andy's Glasses

I’d like to announce that forthwith and henceforth, I shall no longer use the title ‘Lord’, nor ‘Duke’, ‘Count’, ‘Viscount’, ‘Viceroy’ or ‘God’. From this day forth I shall just known as Prince, Master of all he surveys and Most Important Brother of the FUCKING KING HIMSELF!!!

I make this immense sacrifice in response to the horrendous allegations made against me and the relentless hounding by the press, which, when I was a working royal, were profoundly unwarranted.

I have spent my entire life being… errrr… being the brother to the future king of England. It has not been easy. Whilst Charlie was groomed for the throne, I was left to the life of possibly the world’s most over-privileged playboy, chancer and overall total tosser. It wasn’t easy. To establish myself as a man of principle and someone perfectly able to be successful, even without the 12 million a year my mother paid me, I became a ‘deal-maker’, a ‘conduit’ for a host of international projects. Most of them illegal, immoral or downright underhand. I liaised with Chinese spymasters and American billionaire paedophiles, sold my mother’s time to anyone with a few hundred grand to spare, and shagged anything that moved, regardless of either ‘its’ age or my marital status.

Its not been an easy life. I’ve spent the latter part of my ‘career’, basically, telling lies and giving denials that I’ve ever known any of the people I spent the early part cultivating.

Jeffrey Epstein? Who’s he?? Oh, the chap with his arm round me on his yacht in Bermuda… that Jeffrey Epstein. Barely knew the guy. Never involved in any of his ‘antics’, that’s for sure. And I’ve never met anyone called Virginia Diuffre. Even though there are many photos to the contrary of that statement. But abused her? Sexually? Do I look like the type of man who would do such a thing??? Yes, I suppose I fit the bill perfectly really, but that proves nothing!

And as for my odd meeting with Cai Qi, I honestly thought he’d come to deliver my take-away because, quite frankly, they all look a bit the same really, don’t they? I certainly never realised he was basically the spy chief for the whole of China; we talked about spare ribs and kung fu movies.

So in brief: I never did anything wrong. All the accusations about me are false. Any that might have some credibility I simply can’t remember a thing about and in future just call me ‘Your Royal Princeship’ as all my other titles have been returned, ‘for the sake of my country’, which I love deeply, and NOT just as something to be sold to the highest bidder, and for the sake of my family, none of whom will give me the time of day. Which isn’t a problem cos when I went to see Charlie about my titles, I nicked his watch.

Yours honourably,

Andrew xxxx

We have a expression. For when you’re team loses an important game (and please note: there is no such thing as an ‘unimportant’ game, other than when England are playing). And you moan, you cry, you shout, smash a few plant pots and call your therapist. That’s when your mate says: ‘its only football’. Its a term of ironic magnitude. It is the sort of thing your wife would say. IF SHE DARED!!! But indeed it is ‘only football’.

Because football is a game. A sport. A bit of fun. Ok, it all gets a bit emotional. A bit ‘partisan’, but a game is what it is.

And it shouldn’t be political.

Yet the City of Birmingham, our ‘Second City’ (though I’m going to suggest relegating it to 9th), a city incapable of collecting its own garbage (the ‘recycler’s strike is in its 473rd month), has the brilliant idea of banning Jews from its ‘borders’. Well, banning supporters of Maccabi Tel Aviv from attending the match against Aston Villa on November 6th. Because of ‘safety concerns’. Mainly that the Israeli team ‘may’ cause some kind of ‘protest’ and that the police cannot guarantee the safety of the away fans.

Which simply stinks of a ‘no jews allowed in Birmingham!!!!’ policy. And if they come; don’t expect us to protect them; we’re too busy enforcing 20mph speed limit zones in the suburbs.

Kier Starmer HIMSELF!!!! has said this is completely unacceptable and is reviewing the situation with the Safety Advisory Group. And inevitably, after masses of pressure, the ‘ban’ will be reversed and they’ll call in the National Guard (if we had one), the 5th Artillery and the Coldstream Guards to protect the Israelis.

But the damage is done. It is now a ‘big issue’ and will have Roger Waters screaming and Sigourney Weaver up in arms, plus all the ‘river to the sea’ mob taking their keffiyahs up to Brum for the 6th. And the Tel-Aviv guys are not really your stereotypical, torah-studying, hard-praying, type of black-hats. They’re hard. Aggressive. Will not be intimidated by crowds of baying Palestine flag-wavers. As they weren’t when they visited Holland last year for a match and mini-war. It was awful.

However, as Galatasaray fans aren’t banned here, for all their flare-firing, throat-slitting hostilities, nor Red Star Belgrade, nor all the other revolting East Europeans who come here to act horribly, the Tel Aviv thing is different. Its saying: we can’t protect Jewish people from the hatred in our nation. And that’s not just a little bit ‘wrong’, but totally fucking wrong.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

We, at the Oxford Union, at the Palestine Solidarity Campaign, at the Epsom Downs Crocheting Society for Ladies, and at the Association for Over-Privileged Tossers Wearing Keffiahs, have absolutely NO intention of stopping our weekly marches to Free Palestine, re-instal the terrorists, eliminate Israel, kill all Jews and declare the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea a sharia state!

The marches must go on. There is no ‘peace deal’, because it was put together by a very right wing man. And ‘ceasefire’ is an ‘oppressor’s term’!! (Please don’t ask me to explain that, because I’m only on the ‘sound-byte’ committee and the ‘anything sensible’ committee stopped meeting in 1986). The peace will not last. And Trump’s plan does not address the ‘root causes of the conflict’, which is the ‘apartheid that extends across all of historic Palestine’. I know that the Jew’s history predates this by a few thousand years, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!! It’s the Palestinian’s history we’re concerned with. Which is why, more than ever, we need to boycott the Zionist state and stop all arms dealings with it. We need to boycott Barclays Bank because they lent money to a company which makes shoe-laces, who have a pension pot in which are 263 shares in a company who once made the sticks which go in the middle of Israeli ice lollies. MURDERERS!!!! BABY KILLERS!!!!

We also need to consider boycotting all the nations who are condoning this so called ‘peace deal’, like the UK, France, Italy… Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Egypt, Qatar, (fucking) Iran… Australia, Canada… and whilst I appreciate that the only country thus remaining would be… errr… Palestine and they don’t actually produce anything, WE WILL ALL STARVE OURSELVES AND WEAR ONLY CLOTHING MANUFACTURED IN GAZA!! So we’ll be wearing suicide vests from now on. As you can’t really wear ‘a tunnel’, which is the other industry in our spiritual homeland.

We need to keep protesting until the Israeli colonialists of apartheid move out of the region. We need to leave Palestine to Palestinians! Like this week, when they’ve shown themselves more than capable of murdering each other, of the resurgence of Hamas into street cruising death squads for anyone thought, or even imagined, as being ‘complicit with the enemy’. And someone has to keep in check the Palestinian Liberation Army, the Army of Palestine’s Liberation and the Liberation Army of Palestine, because if Hamas weren’t murdering them, they’d all be going around murdering each other! And you can’t have that; it’s lawless.

So I hope I’ve made that clear: THE MARCHES GO ON! WHILST WE STILL HAVE BREATH IN OUR BODIES, THEN WE STILL HAVE HATE!!! AND EVERYONE LOVES HATE.

See you Saturday, Whitehall.

Pastor John O’Reilly xxxx

Its so nice to have house guests. You get mired in your empty-nest, calm, relaxed lifestyle, watching whatever tv you want, when you want, you eat at regular times, the house is kept neat as a pin, you go out ‘on a whim’, come back when you like. Ahhhhh, its a boring-as-fuck existence. All that freedom; tedious. But most enjoyably tedious.

And then you get house guests. And it all changes. You have to plan around ‘them’. You have to check diary arrangements with ‘them’. You have to clean up after ‘them’. Though you do get to ‘enjoy their company’, as they would tell you. You have to put your dressing gown on. No more ‘naked tea-making’.

Lila and Joey are staying. Their poor, stressed-out parents simply can’t take any more, so they’ve gone for rehab. Convalescence. Leaving ‘the cause of the problem’ with us. Just a few days, they’re in Sicily. Lying in the sun. Sipping cocktails. Relaxed. To the point of therapeutic. No rushing back from work to do a school run. No ‘homework’. No prolonged, hyperactive, house-trashing bedtimes. Just 2 chilled out dudes who’s only concern is ‘what book to read next’, or ‘is 9.35 too early in the morning for my third margarita of the day?’ Leaving US, with the ‘house guests’.

These are the things these ‘house guests’ will never be heard saying:

Can I help you with that?
…only if its not too much trouble…
I’m going to bed now; goodnight.
No thanks, I’ve already eaten.
I’m sugar-intolerant
Leave us alone, we need to study
Let me tidy that up
After you…

Though it must be said, for the 10 minutes in the morning when 2 warm little people climb into our bed, just charging their batteries before the mania begins and the high-energy chaos starts, its ALMOST worth all the destruction that will inevitably follow. And it is fun. Exhausting, but fun.

Happy surrogate parenting day

A xxxx

Much as I’ve never given too much credit to Donald J Trump, I’m kind’a in awe of what he has achieved. Something no-one else in the world, quite literally, could have done. It is a really beautiful thing, the most beautiful thing in the world. And he made it the most magnificent day in the history of the world.

Sorry, I find myself breaking into Trump-speak frequently today. Because today the hostages finally came home. A final end to that most horrible of unimaginable ordeals. Unfortunately, for many, the ‘end’ came before today and their bodies will be following the living survivors soon, I hope. So their heartbroken and devastated families can at least mourn properly. And its down to Trump. Who bullied everyone into agreeing with his ‘deal’. Not the complete set of proposals stretching to 763 pages (including footnotes) which every other world leader may have put together over 9 months, then sent for a further year for ‘ratification’, but just a very Trumpian ‘outline’ of moving forward. Sketchy. Short on details. In fact, no details.

Which is why every worthless, virtue-signalling, be-suited, clueless hanger-on to Trump’s shirt-tails, like Macron, certainly like Starmer, is now in Sharm-el-Shek to try and sort out some details along with all the leaders of the Arab world too. Its a big gig. And they all have something really profoundly in common. They all fucking hate Hamas. Though not sure about including Macron and Starmer in that. They’re too busy shoring up domestic issues and revolts to actually think beyond their own localised appeasement agendas. Like ‘recognising the Palestinian state’, which all now consider was both a hindrance and a delay in the ceasefire talks.

But Hamas are there. ‘At the table’. Will they volunteer to disarm and disband? I’ll leave that hanging whilst mentioning more about Trump. Who is childish, intellectually ‘light’ (you can’t say ‘retarded’ any more, so I won’t), and always big on headlines, little on structure. But some things he just gets. As he implored everyone to re-build a Gaza without hate and killing. Teach kids important things, not how to kill both others and themselves. Build prosperity and industry, not death and destruction. Build towards a lasting peace.

And you can’t criticise that.

Happy ‘got them home’ day, a truly happy day.

A xxxx

So the ceasefire’s, like, well installed. No-one’s died for over 24 hours in Gaza. Not from bombing anyway. Apparently lots have been killed there either by Hamas or by mafiaesque gangs roaming the streets, but the IDF? Zero. And you know it must be really quiet out there if Hamas have not claimed at least “25 children” being murdered on any given night. So it’s all hopeful. The hostages will return and then the ‘Board of Peace’ will step in and run the country for a bit, re-building (ok, a ‘big bit’ then) and keeping the peace until such a time as the Palestinian people can take over and govern themselves. Free from Hamas, obviously, everyone’s agreed on that part.

Oh, except for Hamas. Who have managed to find 7,000 of their finest to act as police on the streets. Yes, 7,000. All armed to the teeth, obviously. Which goes to show just how vast Hamas was before the war. When at least 30,000 have been killed. All disguised as ‘women and babies’, according to the Hamas-run health ministry.

Donald Trump has sent in 200 American troops to help ‘hold the line’ which is the Israel self-imposed line of retreat. I wonder at what point these new policemen will be told by Trump to ‘lay down their arms’ and… errrr… and disband!!!

But that really needs to happen before the Board of Peace pitches up, unless they intend to run Gaza remotely. Like, from Bromley. Otherwise all those who believe, trust and have been listening to Hamas for the last 2 years may have a nasty surprise when their ‘Imperial’ group of foreign stuffed shirts sets up shop in Raffah. Hamas are insisting that Gaza must be run by Palestinians. Who have proved adept at self-government historically. Ok, they haven’t. Never. Not even once. Without infighting, outfighting, factionalising and resorting to violence. Hamas and Fateh have never seen things the same, never agreed on the power structure and even when Arafat was there, the nearest they’ve had to ‘stability’ since 1948, there was chaos. And he was the last leader to refuse a ‘2-state solution’ when offered to him. Then Hamas ‘won the election’ in 2005 to gain control of Gaza and promptly put an end to further elections.

In 2006 Israel withdrew from Gaza. As Gaza, in the election, had backed a terrorist organisation sworn to Israel’s destruction. In doing so this cut The Strip off from Israeli jobs and hospitals and universities that they’d enjoyed previously. But how can you keep a border open with a people who want you destroyed?

Since then Hamas have taken more international aid than any other country and spent it on arms and tunnels. So, just in case you’ve missed this: HAMAS DON’T GIVE A SHIT FOR PALESTINIAN PEOPLE OTHER THAN TO FURTHER THEIR OWN JIHADI AIMS.

I’d love for the ‘peace’ to endure. But reading the radically alternative interpretations of Trump’s very very ‘loose’ 20-point plan, if we’re still in peace on Wednesday we’ll be doing well.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

So you go to a doctor, listen to what he says (or even ‘what SHE says’!!), have scans, take bloods, prod around a bit, wait for results, which say: yeah, you’ve got a problem with your hips. Not sure what it is, but probably…

And they tell you to stop playing tennis for 6 months. A year. Forever!!!

So me and Spurs Paul have adopted a more ‘pragmatic’ approach to orthopaedic medicine. Something along the lines of reciprocal co-diagnosis, using only ‘holistic’ and ‘homeopathic’ (its not an ‘LGBT-etc type thing, honest) methodologies, we’ve created our own ‘cure’.

We played tennis 2 weeks ago, possessing, between us, just one fully functional hip. It was not a beautiful game. Lacked the normal ‘stylish elegance’ (yeah; right) associated with players of such a high calibre. After an unprecedented hiatus of 8 weeks!!

But in playing, against, possibly, some of vague and wooly advice given to us collectively by doctors, physios, bone-cutters and assorted nursing sundries, our 3 errant hips have been much better than they were before. But, like, no problem at all!!

So we played this morning with our usual ‘gay abandon’ (see: LGBT- above), despite any direction or implication by any so-called ‘medical professionals’ not to do so, and we played just fine. None of the trepidation of last time, no holding back, no ‘protecting’ dodgy joints, just tennis, pure and simple, as it should be. By two people, as purely simple as you can be without getting a grant for a carer, who feel that your general well-being is just as important as some specific, old-age type joint issues and their injury prevention.

Doubtless I’ll get a bollocking on Tuesday when I see my orthopod for scan results (hip joint 4, bursitis 3; heart(s)1, knees 2…) or on Saturday when my physio returns from his hols, but I don’t care. We don’t care. We’re that ‘ard; and, possibly, twice as stupid.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Open the champagne, send up the rockets… NO!!!, not those ‘rockets’, the fireworks, FFS, and say a prayer of thanks. The war is over. There’s peace in the Middle East. Donald Trump should be awarded not just the Nobel prize for peace but for physics too, and literature, any others they have begging. And how appropriate would it be that the reward for ending the destruction and demolition be given with money earned from dynamite? Nobel’s legacy to the world; money and the power for unlimited explosions.

The ‘Peace Plan’ has been signed. In Egypt, this very morning. Phew. Its over. What could possibly go wrong…

The answer, of course, is ‘everything’. The 2 sides in the agreement are… short on trust for each other. But with help from the Egyptians and Qataris on one side and Donald Trump on the other, there is every possibility of the peace lasting 37 hours. Possible even more!!!

The hostage exchange I’m hoping beyond hope will happen before it all goes tits up. Because that’s the most important thing. 48 Israelis, half of them now dead, in return for a few thousand… Well, the very nature of how to describe them depends on your first bias. Calling them ‘prisoners’ is fairly neutral. Netenyahu calls them ‘terrorists’. Many call them ‘detainees’. Which is to dignify them and create an aura of unfairness over their being held in the first place. Like they got a parking ticket and were imprisoned because they were Arabs. Whereas the reality is that these ‘detainees’ are people who have murdered, maimed and sought to inflict grievous harm on Israeli citizens. Some of them the Israelis won’t release. They’re Hamas hierarchy and have so much blood on their hands that to release them would be foolish.

Hamas disarming is another… sticking point? They must, according to the plan, but they won’t, on principle or for any reason on earth. Saving ‘innocent Palestinians’ really has never been on their agenda.

And there’s the Israeli hard-liners. Netenyahu’s political ‘allies’ who have been the cause of massive unrest in Israel since long before the October 7 massacre. They won’t sign off on the peace agreement. So it’ll still get signed, by Bibi, but it won’t have the full backing of government. Because the likes of Smotrich and Ben Gvir are extremists who should never have a say in matters of peace because it’s not on their agenda.

There’s a big deal being made about the Israeli strike in Qatar. That it was a ‘turning point’ because it upset Trump to the extent that he has forced Netenyahu’s hand after acting without the President’s blessing and attacking the nation who’d just given the Trumpster a $400million airplane. I can’t buy that. It’s simply impossible that Israel could have flown fighter jets over America’s largest air base in the Middle East without them knowing and thus consenting. In which case, I say ‘good for Trump’. He ‘plays’ everyone.

Let’s just hope that the peace lasts long enough for people to realise that getting rid of Hamas is simply essential for any continuation of that peace.

Happy Thursday… so far.

A xxxx

So what’s happening in the world of UK politics? Its sooooo exciting. Because nothing is happening. We’re sort of ‘in limbo’, just waiting for the current government to go, preferably before the chancellor’s next budget because it will make me poorer. No idea what she’s going to do (I don’t think she has much idea either) but it will hurt. Because she’s still banging on about ‘black holes’, but not in a ‘physics’ kind’a way. Its getting bigger, by the day, started by the rotten Tory government, and HIDDEN!!!, because the incoming government used the TGWU instead of KPMG to calculate the nation’s finances. Then she increased taxes to virtually guarantee that the ‘economic growth’ she can’t stop talking about, hasn’t happened and is unlikely to happen under this bunch of leaders. So nasty Rachel is personally coming to MY house to demand I pay the 30 billion quid; that being the approximate, average, almost mythical, size of that ‘hole’. Fair enough.

I can’t wait for them to go.

But who to replace them with?

The Tories are currently engaged in Conference, in Manchester. Apparently with a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door because attendances have been awful. When Mel Stride made his fabulous shadow-chancellory speech on Monday, there were 17 people there. Including his mum and his dog. As he spoke about ‘scrapping business rates’. Wow! That would be fantastic for us City rates-payers burdened with that massively punitive ‘tax’. And I’m sure the Corporation of London would survive just fine with… errrr… like… no income whatsoever. But a great plan, nonetheless, and one I heartily approve of. His ‘leader’ speaks today. Even though 47% of the population (I may have used a degree of flexibility with that) don’t know her name. So ‘Whassername’ Badenoch will address Conference and tell us all her plans for…

It doesn’t matter. The election is sadly a long way off and the Tories now have only one party member in the entire nation under the age of 54. His name is Rupert Hedgehog-Hayes and he lives Worcestershire. With his mummy and daddy, even though he’s 42 years old and only slightly ‘learning impaired’.

The Liberal Democrats may or may not still be a political party but no-one knows for sure, nor gives a damn. I think their best course of action would be to cut Ed Davey’s bungee cord next time he’s up Big Ben, or Mount Snowdon, with his canoe.

Which leaves Reform UK. The problem? The solution???

All the major parties are running scared of Reform. We were blessed with Brexit because David Cameron was running scared of Nigel Farage last time he headed up a party. And now we’re in ‘Brexit-re-do’, part 2: The Immigrants!!! Nigel Farage, for what anyone says to the contrary, wants to ‘re-whiten’ Britain. He’s very clever and, obviously, like Jeremy Corbyn, like Tommy Robinson, like Robert Jenrick, like Adolph Hitler, claims to have ‘no prejudice at all’. So he plants the images. Shows the pictures of boat-people arriving. And, let’s face it, no-one likes a group of complete unknowns arriving uninvited to our shores. Are they rapists? Terrorists?? Do they have ‘cultural issues’, possibly about women? OUR women?? Farage is the ultimate populist. He can ‘push buttons’ like no-one before. But could we really trust him with running the country?? I’m not sure I could.

So, all things considered, as a glorious and proud nation: we’re fucked.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

Protesting has become the UK’s main industry. All other work ceases at the opportunity to get your keffiyeh and take to the streets waving your Palestinian flag, to sing a few songs which sound nice, at an ISIS convention, but are in fact calls for a (proper) genocide. So to ‘stop the babies dying’, it’s perfectly fine to call for the death of all Jews. Yeah, I get that. Totally on board. That’s not ‘antisemitism’, it’s to ‘stop the genocide’ (the other genocide, the metaphorical one).

And today, October 7th, the 2nd anniversary of the Hamas massacre, not one of those people described above will give but one thought to the 48 people still held hostage in the tunnels of Gaza after 2 fucking year. Half of whom are dead. But in fact that’s probably not true. The protesters are thinking of those hostages, because by taking to the streets today, a Tuesday, it makes a statement. That they’re prepared to take action on a working day specifically for the upset it will cause for all people who sympathise with the captives. There is no actual thoughts for the kids murdered and kidnapped at a rock festival. No consideration that women were raped, burned alive, babies shot, whole families annihilated among the 1250 deaths and 500 taken captive. They are no longer ‘the issue’. Not that these good, moral, caring, considerate souls left their Hampshire knitting circles and their Surrey book-clubs to go out on October the 8th that year to have perhaps a vigil? A march of compassion? An understanding of the suffering endured after such a horrendous massacre. No, on that day they left it to their ‘brothers’, who rode up and down the Edgware Road and the Finchley Road waving Hamas flags and celebrating the slaughter of innocents.

The Prime Minister himself(!!!) has asked people NOT to protest today, but to show some compassion, sympathy, decency. He said to protest would be ‘un-British’. Whatever the fuck that means. In all honesty, Kier Starmer trying to stop today’s protest almost had me reaching for my keffiyeh.

I saw a video yesterday. One of several I’ve seen in which someone is cutting down the rows of yellow ribbons put up to support the hostages. They’re not there to show support for bombings or the IDF. Nor arms sales or invasions of the West Bank. The yellow ribbon is about the hostages. And this heartless or moronic bitch was cutting them down. Probably not even aware of their significance other than ‘its something to do with Israel’. I’m not sure what that says, but it ain’t good.

For God’s sake, free the hostages. What’s left of them.

A xxxx