What is wrong with all those fucking Canadians? Ok, so they’ve been ‘independent’ since 1867, but that was independence from us. From me. From the British. But were they ever really independent from America? The relationship has been symbiotic. It has worked really well for 150 years. Until along came…

Donald Trump.

He wants Canada. Well, it’s ‘attached’ to his country, which is more than Hawaii or Alaska are. And thus, like Mexico, becomes ‘just part of America’ in geographical terms. Hence the Gulf of Mexico is now the ‘Gulf of America’. Similarly, as of Thursday, Lake Ontario has now become Lake America. As it should be. Because… well, because it should be.

So why aren’t these pesky Canucks just prostrating themselves before the inevitable force from below? They sound like Americans anyway. Why don’t they just embrace their inner Yanks and fall into Donald’s open arms? They could become the 51st state, unless Greenland beats them, start using ‘proper’ dollars and get rid of that ridiculous French shit which they can’t speak properly, to the point of linguistic abuse. Then ‘the state of Canada’ would be like… Texas. But bigger. Much, much bigger. It would enjoy all the benefits of statehood. Like… errrrr… like central taxation along with state taxes. Like… having their own designer license plates on their cars. And they could once more afford to drink Kentucky Bourbon and Milwaukee beer. Massive improvements to Canadian life.

Whilst America would get to claim all those ice hockey players as ‘their own’. And get all the mineral wealth Canada has. And reduced ski rates on Whistler mountain. It would also get a lot of bears. Both brown and polar! And tourists could visit New York and Toronto with just one visa!

So stop being so fucking Canadian!!! about it and join America. And Donald!

Because once he has Canada and Mexico he can start on Nicaragua, Belize, Guatemala, as they’ll be on the new ‘southern border’. And for the north, he can extend to… Siberia. Oh. Might be a slight problem there. Of a, sort of, nuclear nature.

Putin is a total bastard scumbag cheat, liar, murderer of his own people. But he knows what he’s doing.
President Xi is an awful, genocidal dictator and repressor of the masses. But HE knows what he’s doing.
Donald Trump is just plain stupid. He’s a child with the world’s biggest playroom. He is a moron. And he really hasn’t a clue what he’s doing.

Whereas Georgia Meloni knows precisely what she’s doing. This week she’ll become (as long as she’s not assassinated before Thursday), the longest serving Italian Prime Minister since the war. If 24 hours is a long time in politics, 4 years is fucking unheard of in Italy’s democratic system. She will overtake Sylvio Berlusconi this week. He had ‘issues’. Of a deviant nature. Which, in any other country would have precluded him from public office, but in Italy, corruption and sexual abuse are perceived as trustworthy characteristics.

But if you can name one other Italian Prime Minister, you win a pizza. Because I can’t. They don’t last more than ten minutes. Name 3 and I’ll put peperoni on it.

Happy (fucking rainy!!!) Saturday,

A xxxx