I hate to keep blaiming Gwyneth Paltrow for all the evils on the planet but she’s right up there with ISIS and Arsenal when it comes to the ruination of our culture. In this specific case its food. Or ‘not food’. Her (and others, but I prefer to have a focus for my scorn, preferably a rather fit, blond one) insistence on the corruption of our diets has now resulted in a spate of ‘organic’, ‘holistic’, even ‘homeopathic’ restaurants and food styles. Now, not content with dairy-free, gluten-free, taste-free food, the new way is ‘paleo’.

Paleo? Yeah, ya nob, P-A-L-E-O. As in ‘palaeolithic’. But for Americans who can’t spell proper. Because this fad is about going back to a time before wheat and corn had been cultivated, the single most cataclysmic event towards the death of the planet. Apparently. Before that no-one touched bread, (obviously), sugars, or pizza. Just roots and free-range veg.

So they’re actually opening restaurants which are completely ‘gluten-free’ and ‘paleo’. So you go in, get a plate of raw carrots and turnips, unpeeled, I sincerely hope, eat them presumably accompanied by some Ganges-water, unfiltered, uncleaned and filled with bacteria, which is, after all, free range and organic. Thank you Sir, that’ll be £72.90 + 15% service.

For a fucking turnip.

You can go to Waitrose and buy it yourself for 42p and ‘prepare’ it. Ahhh, but no-one puts a raw carrot on a plate like Luigi.

Make mine a double cheeseburger with extra cheeseburgers on the side.

Wayne Rooney is 100 years old today. Oh, he’s not, he’s celebrating the hundredth time he’ll be sent off for being a nasty, shitty, petulant, swearing little fucker. Or maybe its his 100th cap.

So Roy Hodgson has been raving about his captain all week. Which, to be honest, is probably good for England football, but not so great for honesty when he says that ‘Rooney will be remembered as a legend like Bobby Charlton’.

Rooney will doubtless end up with more caps than Sir Bobby; he’ll probably score more goals by that time too. But that’s where the similarities end. Rooney consistently underperforms for England, much like he does for Man United. He struggles to score goals. He gets sent off. Though his temper seems slightly more under control these days, he’s still always gobbing off at referees.

Bobby Charlton played from when he was 3 years old til his retirement when he was 82. He scored shitloads, never lost his temper, always delivered the goods and was the best player England ever produced. Wayne Rooney is not fit to clean his boots, never mind fill them.

Happy whatever day Sky see fit to repair the broadband-day

A xxxx