And thus did the Jewish people escape their slavery and bondage, their enforced BDSM, at the hands of the Egyptians, not even having time to wait for their bread to rise, as Moses led them through the Red Sea which God parted, because there were no people traffickers with rubber dinghies. They were met in Palestine by Suella Braverman who sent them to Rwanda… sorry, wrong story. Everyone knows the Passover story, its told every year. And tonight will be no exception. Because the story needs to be told, and it will be. Its actually fun, that rarest of commodities in any religious event. So much fun that it’s now been promoted to a ‘cultural event’ to allow me to enjoy it too.

And its all about symbolism. We eat special foods, like a mix of chopped apple, nuts and wine, to symbolise the cement they used to build the pyramids, we eat horseradish and other bitter herbs to symbolise bitter times, eggs for re-birth and, of course, we eat matzo. Unleavened bread. To symbolise the stupidity and insanity of modern day interpretations by obsessives.

For the next eight days, no Jew worthy of the title would let bread pass his/her/their lips. Ok, I get the symbolism, let’s ride it for a week. But because bread is made with wheat, all wheat products must be banned too. Not just banned, but banished from the home. Bread, cereals, pasta, anything with anything wheaty included or even implied. Like… whisky!! Made from… something akin to wheat, I don’t fucking know, ask a farmer. Cutlery and crockery is changed over, lest a bit of stray wheat be stuck on a spoon after the dishwasher has steam-blasted it for 15 minutes. You must avoid wheat!!!! At all costs.

And it costs a fortune. Because those who, like REALLY care, will only eat foods which have been marked as ‘kosher for Passover’, meaning that the pint of milk in their fridge, with that essential label, has been watched, from cow-shed to supermarket, to ensure no wheat fell in it on the way. But its milk? You may think. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW ITS NOT CONTAMINATED!!!! With… BREAD!!!! Because health and safety is so stringent that NOTHING enters manufactured foods, ever. But there ya go, no label, not kosher. Jam, cheese, Coca-fucking-cola. And, of course, labelled produce is 20 to 50% higher in price than ‘normal’. Cos some schmuck with a beard has to watch it all the way. To ensure its wheat-free-ness.

But here’s the stupidity and insanity bit. The only thing you can eat is matzo. And its made of wheat.

When the nice and fun and lovely gives way to the obsessive and stupid, that’s where I get left behind. But I do love a good story. And even more, a good meal.

Happy Passover

A xxxx