How nice to have a long weekend. How lovely to know that the world (well, round here anyway) has officially stopped for 4 days to rest, relax, recuperate and re-incarnate. I passed on the latter. In fact I passed over on the latter, but that’s another story. This is how my 4 days of rest panned out:

out to dinner 1
out to lunch 1
friends over for dinner 1
alcohol consumed moderate to ‘don’t drive’
tennis played 2
Spurs matches attended 1
Tai Chi classes 2
Flower markets visited 1
Wuthering Heights 1
long walks 2
football watched on tv- not enough
coffees drunk- countless (though only 1 a day from My Waitrose; bless ’em)
lawns mowed 1
hours of paperwork that I’ve put off for 6 months- 3
studies tidied up- none (managed to avoid something this weekend at least)
ice creams eaten 1
Easter Eggs bought before they stop making them for another 9 months- errr… lots.

I mean; how restful is that? But on the ‘change as good as a rest’ principle, it scores highly. And rewarding. And I managed to do it all without the paparazzi interfering.

So my weekend was better than the Waleses. That’d be Wills and Catherine then. And I suppose we better include little George.

Whilst on their tour of the 3rd World (New Zealand and Australia) they have attended functions, been to galas, visited hospitals and hospices, had trips to the zoo, all accompanied by the massed ranks of the world’s press, recording their every move, every wave, every dribble down George’s chin, every wedge heel Catherine wears on the beach, and every curl on her glorious brunette head. And the deal is, as it always is, that they will be filmed, videoed, snapped, selfied and recorded at each and every step, they will pose and smile and sit and face those cameras constantly. BUT. And there’s always one o’ them. The quid pro quo is that on their single, solitary, only day ‘off’, that they be left alone.

So what do they do? Those uncultured, uncouth, slap-another-prawn-on-the-barbie, make mine a Fosters, cheers-mate, cork-hatted, Aborigine-killing, Republic-seeking Aussies? They send helicopters up and spy cameras with 90 foot lenses out to spy on the Royal couple. And His Royal Sprogness. Film them walking hand in hand. Video their normal, unroyal movements.

And that is simply not playing the game. We should disown Australia immediately. Cut them off from the Commonwealth. Steal their resources, rape and pillage, declare war and confiscate the Ashes.

Its an affront. Its not nice. And sanctions must be taken. But proper ones, not like the Russian ones where you treat them as badly as you can without disturbing the gas supply.

Yours indignantly,

Major General, Sir Andrus of Glenfiddich, VC, QC, WC

xxxx