A phobia is an irrational fear of something. If you’re arachnophobic and you see a little spider dangling from its itty-bitty thread, you leap around screaming and breaking things until someone disposes of the animal. That’s a phobia. Its irrational. Makes no sense. An itty-bitty mider can’t hurt you, you know that. Ooooh, but its got legs and things and… eeeeuuuw. Whereas finding a 6 inch tarantula in your bed, with fucking great fangs and dripping venom and looking right at you with its 73 eyes, seeming to say: ‘come on then; you want some??? Muthafucka!!!’, that’s not a ‘phobia’. That’s real, genuine, rational fear.

I suffer from Wengerphobia; the irrational fear of Arsenal. Also Tosserphobia, the irrational fear of every other driver on the roads. Because they’re morons. And I am genuinely Claustrophobic which is the irrational fear of Father Christmas.

So up steps Ed (fucking!!) Miliband, once more, having identified a million or so extra voters he hasn’t yet tried to bribe, blackmail or coerce with stupid and unsustainable offers of riches beyond their dreams, and states that ‘when’ he is Prime Minister he intends to make Islamophobia a crime.

Because Ed too is a tosser. And fails to understand the basics of the English language and its implications. You can’t outlaw a fear. Rational or otherwise. Ed probably realises that. Even Ed. But the word Islamophobia has become a catch-all phrase to imply some kind of race hatred motivation on the part of the alleged ‘Islamophobe’. As recently so used and abused by Lutfar Rahman, the ex mayor of Tower Hamlets. He called everyone an Islamophobe. As if accusing the cheating, stealing, pocket-lining, lying, scumbag of any of his very evident crimes was merely race hatred. It was used as an umbrella of defence. Fortunately it was a very transparent umbrella and they got rid of the evil bastard. But obviously not transparent enough for Ed, who has identified a lot of Muslim voters, so has ‘thrown them a bone’. A rather pathetic one. Everything that man does is pathetic.

Bournemouth AFC. Football club. Based in… er… Bournemouth, probably. They won promotion last night to the Premiership (in all but a statistical implausibility) and I’m happy for them.

In 2008 they were bankrupt, ‘fined’ 10 points and on the verge of going out of both the league and of existence. Without an Abramovich to save them (one of them came a bit later) the fans bought the club, they survived relegation and six years later they have found the holy grail. Well done them Cherries.

Happy Milibandophobic Tuesday

A xxxx