We have but one ‘proper’ computer at home these days. We used to have loads. At one time, when the girls were allowed to live here, it looked like NASA control in the playroom. But now we have one. Because most of what we do is on ipads. Like writing this shit. Just the way it worked out. Long as you have a keyboard. The ‘computer’ (singular) is attached to a printer. The only one we have that isn’t in the loft waiting for the price of ink cartridges to come down. Loads up there. Price of computer ink still higher than the price of enriched plutonium.

But the computer wasn’t doing its thing. Not properly. In fact it was, in IT speak: ‘fucked’. Had to keep turning it off and on again, then it would work ok-ish for about 30 minutes then slow down to the point where you’re reaching for the sledge hammer. Yet it was only 6 months old. And, thinking about it, it never worked ‘properly’, as a shiny new thing should. At first you think, ahhhh, let it get used to its new home, may take a little time. Like its a fucking puppy. Its not a puppy. Computers, unlike puppies, should be forever, not just for Christmas. But it never improved.

It was a Dell, purchased through Amazon. So I ‘spoke’ to Amazon on ‘chat’. They’re really nice, those chatterers. Somewhere on the Indian subcontinent, I’m gonna guess, but at least they give you good, honest, Indian names. Unlike some at call centres. As per Nahil’s instructions I went onto the Dell website, who sent tendrils of information-seeking-vermin straight into the computer via the intraweb thing, and immediately told me ‘no longer under warranty; go onto the 85p per second ‘help-line’ or just fuck off and buy another, ya cheap, complaining shit!’ Something like that.

So I got back to Amazon chat-room (in my mind it was like Slumdog Millionaire) where Surinder said; ‘oh, never mind, we’ll give you a full refund, just send it back’. Which is amazing on one level but creates logistical issues. Like how the fuck do you wrap up a bloody great computer? Ahhh, but this is Amazon. Just put it into a box, stick the return label on it (the last act that useless sodding computer ever performed) and drop it at a collection point. Which happens to be my newspaper shop just round the corner. Which I did at 2.30 on Thursday.

At 4 o’clock we received an email from Amazon saying ‘your card has been credited for the returned computer’. I mean, that is amazing. I can almost forgive them for having that bitch, Alexa, spy for the Russians in my kitchen. And for the rather worrying phenomenon lately that if I look on Amazon for, say, split-crotch underwear, on my ipad at home, when I’m on my work computer; different location, different email, different everything, I’ll get offers of bizarre underwear over there too.

I love Amazon, but remain concerned for my privacy and security. And safe to say, the replacement PC will NOT be a Dell.

Happy Monday

A xxxx