A massive event happened in my life on Wednesday. Not, going to Brent Cross in itself, though appreciate that is a trip which, like visiting Mecca for the Haj, happens once in a lifetime (AND NEVER NEEDS REPEATING!!!), but the purpose of the visit: to buy a new ipad!!! Because the old one was… a bit old, ya know, battery needs charging every 10 minutes, but most of all; the keyboard was shedding its keys. And the main purpose of the ipad is to keep you, dear reader, informed and educated, not just because otherwise you are so totally fucking ignorant of virtually everything, but also to show you all how totally brilliant and wonderful I am. And with a keyboard and an ipad I can do that from anywhere in the world. Only this month, according to my ‘Google Timeline’, I have visited places as afar and remote as Acton AND Watford. So as I do this for you, would you please each send me 300 quid for the new one.

I brought it home, turned it on, dreading that moment when it wants my ‘Apple Id’ (not a fucking clue) or my ‘password’ (no idea), my ‘cloud location’ (wtf?) or any of the myriad other questions tech companies use to torture us with. Yet all it actually said was: ‘bring your old ipad close’. Oooohhhhh…

And it started to suck all the info from the old one, as if by magic, or osmosis, or by some force of atoms which only the Apple Corporation knows about. And I was seriously impressed. Thinking: now I know why everyone loves Apple stuff, they make it easy, seamless, painless and just intuitively straightforward. Bless Steve Jobs’… errrr… Bless his remains, I s’pose.

Then it stopped. Just ‘hung’. Oh. I called the support line, was told, sometimes it can take a bit of time. “Its had 15 hours; that long enough???”, as I’d left it overnight to do its thing only to later realise it didn’t know what that thing was. I did a restart, I went ‘back to factory settings’, so far that it starts to talk in Chinese when it comes back to life, and I did that three times. I went back to Brent Cross; the DOOMSDAY SCENARIO, came home and still it faltered and engaged in fuckage. I called Apple again and after about 6 hours, one game of tennis and lunch in between, and three different nerds, it has now reached the point where I no longer think “why did I bother?” But instead am ‘enjoying‘ the new gizmo… lots. Even though it now looks the same as the old gizmo, other than a few swishy bits, of course. And a new keyboard with all the letters rather than just ‘some remaining’. I even have the same photo of Lila greet me when I open it. This one. Which I’ll leave because firstly I love it and secondly because changing it will involve another call to Apple and, quite frankly…

Happy Saturday

A xxxx