What is athletics? What constitutes a ‘sporting activity’. There are probably clearly defined parameters, but who can be bothered with all that. So generally, what happens in the Olympics decides what are ‘sports’. So skateboarding is now a ‘sport’, snow-boarding, mountain biking, various things done with a horse, not in ‘the French way’, dancing (on ice), beach volleyball (praise be) and all kinds of runnin’, throwin’, liftin’, heavin’, hurlin’ and fightin’. Basically, all you need is a method of quantifying it. An objective measure of scoring based on proper criteria. And so now, due to the efforts of one woman to do exactly that and work out a scoring system, we may well see pole dancing at the next Olympic Games. Which I think is absolutely right and correct. I would take it further and include pole dancing in an entire section based on ‘prostitution and the sex industry’. Stripping. Kerb-crawling. Sliding 20-pound notes into underwear (lightweight and middleweight only). It would legitimise the ‘oldest profession’ and increase the viewing 10-fold. A win-win. Shame Peter Stringfellow is not around to witness it.

And whilst we’re contemplating ‘changes’, they want to put a time-limit on peerages. You can be a ‘Lord’ but only for 15 years, then we have to kill you. Ok, then you ‘retire’. No more crusty old seniles pitching up for 10 minutes to claim their 300 quid a day and then buggering off to the bookies for the afternoon. Or worse still, staying there for 3 weeks (that adds up to £4,500) until someone realises they actually died on day 2 but no-one noticed.

The House of Lords is a vital part of our democratic process. A ‘check’ on Parliament. That’s its role. But now it has 800 members, second in size as a legislative chamber only to the People’s Congress of China. And as that one is a total farce anyway, I think we can claim ‘the biggest in the world which actually does stuff’. To stress the point, Andrew Lloyd Webber (notice no hyphen? he had to ditch that to become ennobled, rule number 354/3296/bqv43.7: ‘no fuckin’ hyphenated tossers allowed’) has resigned his peerage. Has no time to sit as a Tory peer as he has for 15 years because he wants to bring Cats back on the stage for the 17th time. Well, too busy was what he said, but we all know.

Basically; I’m ready. For a Lordship. Ditch the old useless ones and get some young blood in. We’ll sort it out.

Happy Tuesday

(Lord?) A xxxx