The thing about Cockney Rhyming Slang is that its not a proper ‘thing’. Its not a language. Its a nothing really other than a way for chirpy cockneys (read: low-class West Ham supporting thugs) to appear chirpy, clever and enigmatic. Obscure. The synonym for which is ‘dim’ but that’s not where I’m going. I have no fucking clue where I’m going, in fact, and seldom do.

“I took a butcher’s outsaaard an’ it was well parky so I grabbed me titfa, ran down the apples and…”

What a load of bollocks. It sounds like Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Bob Hoskins in virtually anything. Strained. Too much effort. And scummy.

The point is though that its a bit of a game. Which is the bit I like. Because you never say “‘old on, got a call comin’ through on me dog’n’bone”. You just say ‘dog’. The game bit is someone either has to know that dog’n’bone is phone, or work it out. Either from the context (ie a phone ringing loudly; even real Cockneys probably wouldn’t miss that) or because they’ve heard it before. Its not like there’s a limited number of accepted and definitive ‘rhymings’ listed on the sacred wall of the bus stop at Bethnal Green and everything else is wrong. You can make it up on the spot. As long as someone else can work out what you mean. Otherwise the whole, kind’a, ‘communication’ bit of language is lost. ‘He’s off for a quick Jodrell’, like Spurs Paul.

Many years ago a guy I worked with ran into work, looking anxious, and, tearing off his coat, said: ‘I’m busting for an Ivana’. I paused, as he headed toilet-wards, and then laughed until the tears… yeah, it was funny. I’d worked it out. Ivana Trump: ‘dump’. Fabulous.

Thus I’d now like to propose before the approval committee, to amend this tres amusante phrase so that in future, if you need to take a shit, you’re simply off for a ‘president’. All in favour? Say pork pie.

Went to see Arrival last night. Fab movie. And total, absolute and irredeemable mind-fuck. It took all the way out, the walk to the car and most of the way home before we’d sorted it all out. By which time my eyes were bleeding. No spoilers here. Go see it. Amazing Amy Adams. That’s not rhyming slang. To my knowledge.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx