Let’s face it, no-one wants a bunch of convicted criminals running round the streets. If we did, we’d move to Russia. Or Peckham. And yet when a prisoner actually escapes from prison, we’re instantly engaged and in admiration for the act. Because everyone appreciates that getting out of prison is not very easy. That’s, almost, the whole point of prison. And why its called ‘prison’ and not ‘Travelodge’; both are places you desperately want to leave but only one lets you. So when young Daniel Khalife breaks out of Wandsworth prison, clinging to the undercarriage of a food delivery truck, I’m actually, just for a short while, cheering him on. Its brave. Its opportunistic. Its planned… a bit. And its audacious. And because Daniel’s only in there for ‘spying for Iran’, its not like he represents a danger to small children or old ladies, so we can just appreciate the escape itself.

But those of us who grew up watching ‘The Great Escape’ (EVERY FUCKING CHRISTMAS FOR DECAAAADES!!!), we appreciate the planning required, the incredible attention to detail needed. All the movies and tv shows with ‘Colditz’ in the title made the same point, as did ‘Alcatraz’ films and those with the word ‘Stalag’. Unfortunately, young Dan didn’t pay sufficient attention to Steve McQueen, Donald Pleasance et al and seemed to miss that point.

So he plans his ‘breakout’. He works in the kitchen and obviously noted the arrival and departure of the food trucks, cos much as ‘an army marches on its stomach’, so ‘prisoners stay put on their stomachs’. Everyone has to eat. And he shredded his bedsheets to make the ‘handles’ for him to hold onto under the lorry. Made clips to secure them. Probably noted that the geezers with the mirrors-at-the-end-of-long-poles always took their cigarette break at the precise moment the vehicle left the prison. And thus formed his devilish plan. And it worked!!!! Success!!! I’m bloody OUT!!!

Which is where just a little more planning would have been useful. Like: I’ll be dressed like a prison chef. Like: I might need some money. A passport. Friends. Helpers. Somewhere to hide. But he didn’t. He just ‘winged it’. Which is why he’s now back in custody, being picked up about 3 miles from Wandsworth after sleeping on park benches and river tow paths for 3 nights whilst the police did their ‘headless chicken’ act to try and find him. Then they got a break! Yes. A witness saw him climb out from underneath the lorry at a roundabout!!! Grab him!!! Quick!!! Oh, that was 3 days ago, just after he escaped. Anyway, they called in MI5, MI6, the anti-terrorist squad, the escaped prisoner squad and a few other squads and acronyms and caught the fucker in Kew.

Another dream shattered. Score one to all the squads, score -97 for Wandsworth Prison.

Happy Monday

A xxxx