Rain is bad. Rain is wet. Rain stops you doing stuff. Like tennis, f’rinstance. And yet rain also has redeeming qualities. Like… like providing water. Who’d’a known that? Apparently the farmers like it too, but no idea why. What I do know is that for about the first day in about 6 weeks I won’t have to get the hose out and WATER THE FUCKING GARDEN. Because here’s the odd thing. In the winter, when it rains every single day, we have no flowers. They don’t, errr… flower in the winter. But in the summer when its hotter than hell, when its so hot that all records of previous hottest days actually burnt in the heat!!, in these summer, precipitation-free days, our garden is filled with all manner of beautiful flora. Which will all die in tragic and painful suffering if they don’t get water every day. Thus, me, hose, garden. And as I water them, I speak to the flowers. Apparently makes them grow better. I say: “if you had any fucking sense whatsoever, you stupid, moronic heap of petals on a stalk, you’d grow in the fucking winter time when its wet and rainy. Ya dipstick”. And if we haven’t got enough flowers, we always have to buy more. Loads more. And they need watering. So next time the government imposes a hosepipe ban, you’ll know that Mel (and me… I have to add that) have gone a bit mad in the bedding plant department and currently use half a local reservoir every night watering them.

Bizarrely, having written off tennis, I went to meet my mate for a coffee in lieu of, and it stopped raining. Drizzled a bit, but for an hour and a bit, tennis resumed as normal. Knew you’d be relieved to hear.

The Labour MP for Sheffield Hallam (no idea; I’m guessing ‘up north’ in general terms), has been urged to ‘take a few weeks off’ to resolve some mental issues after being accused of sexual harassment of a female employee. Who he bombarded with inappropriate, misogynistic and sexual messages. Which he, Jared O’Mara, put down to a ‘delusional episode’. He’s right. He was deluded into thinking he was so much better looking and such a nicer person that the babe in question (‘babe’ is a legal term in this context, not to be mistaken for the other ‘babe’ which is naughtier) might find him in any way attractive. Maybe he was ‘deluded’ into thinking she was Jewish. Which she isn’t, but that would then become far more appropriate within Labour Party guidelines and definitions. Jared O’Mara is basically a lewd and revolting specimen of Labour Partyhood and gives validity to my last campaign which was to only elect MPs from the south of the country. The important bit.

This is my house. You see lots of pretty fowlers, I see THINGS THAT NEED CONSTANT WATERING.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx