I invented a new recipe last night. And its brilliant. So I’ll share it with you. But don’t tell it to Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver or Nigella, or they’ll nick it and call it their own. Its rather tricky to ‘make’ and requires a skill and delicacy that those so-called ‘celeb-chefs’ simply lack, being too busy at self-promotion and tv ratings to actually think about food.

I felt the need for ‘something’. At 11 o’clock last night. Felt an ice cream moment coming on. So I opened the tub of Caramel, vanilla whatever, that was in the freezer and started. I don’t believe in bowls where ice cream is concerned. Its just unnecessary washing up. And its restrictive. You put a dollop in the bowl, then you eat it. Whereas if you eat it straight from the container you get much more. Without the guilt of ‘seconds’. But it was lacking… something. So I went a’rummaging and found a packet of roasted, salted pistachio nuts. Wrestled a few of those fuckers out of their shells (without resorting to my hammer) and threw them in. And wow. Caramel, nut, sweet, salt, wow! I force-fed Mel and Rachie some and they agreed; best thing ‘everrrrrr’. But I went away before they could have more.

Pistachio ice cream is tasteless and always bright green. Not the best colour for ice cream. Even though I keep seeing ‘broccoli ice cream’ and ‘kale ice cream’ around, and they’re all green but they’re for people like Gwynnie who care what they consume, not pigs like me who go for taste only. And all the ‘salted caramel’ currently on offer (and it seems to be the ubiquitous flavour for bleedin’ everything) is not particularly salty. Whereas my creation is the perfect combination. Try some and think of me (as you’re sick from overdoing it, you glutton).

Tonight I’m going to mix some more favourites and see how they turn out. Rocky Road and Chicken Tikka Massala sounds good. Watermelon and pepperoni. Yummmm…

There’s a debate brewing after a Sunni imam in England said that women and men don’t need to be segregated in public and held a meeting in which they all sat together. So the ‘debate’ immediately deteriorated into several fatwas coming his way. Yeah, well why not, miss out the ‘discussion’ and move straight to ‘death threat’; do not pass ‘GO’, do not collect £200. Its all about interpretation. The whole fucking world is at war because of ‘interpretation’ of one thing or another. But in religion that’s always been the case. Though I’m a firm believer in segregated public toilets. Mainly because I don’t want to queue for half an hour to take a pee at a football match when any corner of any room will do just fine. Long as its not in my house.

Yet the move from women ‘staying in their houses and not displaying themselves’, as is written, to being a repressed and subjugated underclass who can be shot for not covering her entire face (as happened in Sudan the other day) is an interpretation of profound consequences.

In my synagogue men and women are separated for praying, but mainly because the women talk too much and it disturbs the men’s conversations.

So in the secular world everyone’s striving for equality and equal pay and a fair share for all. Yet step into the world of God, (any version of God) and it all turns to shit. Women bishops just about being allowed, segregation, different rules for the sexes. Because they’re all based on 5,000, 3,000 or 2,000 year-old rules. Which don’t really apply any longer. Or really shouldn’t.

Ban all religion, its the only way to equality and peace. And eat more ice cream.

Amen

Happy Sabbath day

A xxxx