I’m not ready for the football season yet. Unfortunately, it would appear, neither are Spurs. We’re stuck in ‘1-goal hell’. We score one goal per game. That’s it. If we’re playing a really shit team, like poor Palace, then its enough to win. If the team are a little better than that, like, say Everton, then they score one too. Liverpool were different. They were, according to Liverpool fans, ‘foookin’ greatsch’. They scored first, Spurs never came fully awake. Didn’t need to, it was only Liverpool, but that’s not the point. Ya gotta try. For the fans. But no. We were shit, managed to equalise and that was it; 1-each. September’s our month, ask Harry Kane.

So I’ve always said: if you leave London, do it in a plane. Anywhere your car can take you is just not worth the bother. And yet… and yet… time and again I’m surprised. Not sufficiently to curb my provincia-phobia and my Londoner’s view of the countryside (too big, too green, nuffink ‘appenin’; too far from Shoreditch), but I’m surprised. The pic is Mel and the Cotswolds. Mel’s the orange thing.

Yet marriages can’t survive on football and London alone. Well, mine couldn’t. And because Mel and I are just so ‘in-synch’, we took a road trip. It was perfect. There was a furniture design exhibition. In Cheltenham. Mel loves chairs and tables, I love driving through the countryside very very fast. Then a bit faster still. GET OUT’A ME FAAARRRRKIN’ WAY YA GRASS-CHEWIN’ FAAAARRRRKIN’ BUMPKIN!!!! So 90 miles down to Cheltenham; perfect.

Of course the bad thing about London is that driving here is simply no fun any more. Speed cameras, speed humps, endless traffic lights, bloody pedestrians, even London ones, awful. But you get out past Oxford and the roads are brilliant. They’re just made for exceeding the speed limit.

Came back to a very depressing thing. League table: 1st Manchester City, 2nd Chelsea, 3rd Manchester United. I know, its early days, but still…

Happy Bank Holiday Monday

A xxxx