See that bloke over there? In the gutter? Vomit down his tie; stupid grin stuck on his face; unable to stand; bottle of Asda Special Reserve Vodka (£3.26/litre) in his hand???
Fucking clever that bloke. Really brilliant. Frikkin genius. A psychologist told me.

Because test have shown (yep, more bloody tests, its like the scientific world has nothing better to do… hmmm…) that intelligent people are more likely to be big drinkers than dimbos, dunces, morons or Mormons (don’t drink, do they?). Apparently its because intelligent people are less conservative (where does that leave David Cameron?) and therefore more keen to test new experiences, push the limits of reality, get off their faces totally.

Same with drugs apparently. The bigger stoner you are, the more likely you are to be a genius. Presumably once you’ve stopped watching raindrops roll down the windows for 3 hours, marvelling at the wonders of nature and how everything’s so greeeeen.

So Nigella was right to give her kids cannabis, to force spirits down their teenage throats, to keep them totally fucking wasted at all times, because then they’ll be clever.

So whilst I’m out buying some more wine, I’m going to look for a Christmas present for Kim Jong Un. Last year his uncle bought him a pair of really dodgy socks so Kim had him shot yesterday.

I’m gonna get him an ipad air, a Porsche and a Russian sex slave (slaves-are-Us; special pre-christmas buy-one-get-one-free offer this weekend) and hope that’s sufficient to get his approval. Jesus but that guy is touchy. There’s lots of touchy, over-sensitive, marginally paranoid people around but fortunately most don’t have an army of a million people and the rule of the land behind them.

How can that trumped up fat little shit have the power to have people executed just because he doesn’t like them any more? Fall from favour, eat a bullet. Its just wrong. There again, North Korea is just wrong. All of it. So when esteemed leader and holy one, Kim Jong The Latest decides you’re trying to orchestrate a military coup, you are fucking dead. There’s no trial, no court, no appeal, just a firing squad. After they torture you, apparently. Nice.

Ok, Arsenal play Manchester City in 5 minutes, Spurs face Liverpool tomorrow and neither are being played in Korea. But there is a really good case for giving the players ‘happy hour’ before the game.

Happy (hic) Saturday

A xxxx