Lila’s been reading books again. I’ve tried to make her watch tv but she bloody insists. And the books she loves, currently, are by the brilliant Alan Ahlberg. Its a little series, Mr Brick the Builder, Mr Cosmo the Conjurer, Mrs Plug the Plumber, lovely. We had them from when Lila’s mum was 3. Almost 12 years ago. (That’s only funny if you don’t live in Liverpool or Wolverhampton). And I think they need updating. Modernising. Bringing in some contemporary relevance. So I’ve written a few for her, and for all children who need a FUCKING REALITY CHECK!!! SNOW WHITE AND FROZEN CAN ONLY GET YOU SO FAR, FFS!!!

Mrs Prostrate the prostitute
Mrs Dipso the drunk
Mr Stilleto the stabber
Mr Covid the cougher
Ms Botox the bitch
Mr Willy the wanker
Mrs Worst the WAG
Mr/it/Ms/ Perplexed the pronoun
Mr Priapic the porn star
Mr Eurine the European.
Mr Corbyn the Cu- the Communist
Mr Liverpool the Loser
Available from a bookseller near you. 

Liverpool lost their 4th straight home game on Saturday. The first time that’s happened since 1929. Almost a hunnerd yars! And to Everton, of all teams. Who haven’t won at Anfield since 1989. The records were tumbling, along with Jurgen Klopp’s failing credibility. It can’t ALL be about Virgil van Dijk. That’s not to take anything away from Everton, who were brilliant. And Carlo Ancelotti, their superb manager, who knew what to do. The team who have been impossible to beat, in the stadium which is impregnable, is failing miserably. In fact so miserably that the only place to find more misery at the moment is in north London. Records aren’t being broken, specifically, its just sounding like a broken record every match. 

Jose ‘it ain’t my fault, I’m still a God’ Morinho, is STILL the best manager in the world. Obviously. Mikel Arteta is doing a brilliant job at Arsenal, they just keep losing too. Though to lose to Manchester City is no shame. I’m sure all Arsenal fans were delighted that their match was chosen to bring back Kevin de Bruyne for a runaround. Like they’re not good enough without the league’s best superstar. 

Spurs were abysmal in the first half of the West Ham match. Totally abysmal. And although much better in the second, we failed to score the equaliser when, 3 months ago, we’d have hit 5. But we have to take positives. Apparently. And we actually can. Gareth Bale is starting to look like a footballer again and less like a golfer on his day off. And Erik Lamela shone like the star we’ve been waiting 8 years to emerge. 

But the message really, to all us struggling clubs is: DON’T SACK THE MANAGER. Its stupid, short-sighted, reactionary and dim. This is the long game. For Spurs fans, very long and seemingly much longer every year. 

Happy Tuesday

Mr Spurs the Suicidal  xxxx