The word ‘regular’ has two specific definitions. One is ‘regular’, (doh) describing things of uniform shape, size or mode of operation. A regular polygon (maths 101). Something smooth-running, predictable… regular. The other means happening at the same time/place. Bowel movements. Very regular. Doctors note that with a smile. They love a bowel movement. My regular walk to work. Etc, etc, etc.

Then fucking Starbucks re-defined the word. Gave it a whole new meaning. That of a specific size. And because they have a zillion outlets in a trillion countries, ‘regular’ has now become a food size. Though not an absolute size. Only relative. And that’s where the problem lies.

I just went to ‘Eat’ to get my morning coffee. My normal place (little independent cafe run by Catalan Alfredo and his brother Jesus) has a broken machine. So I went next door. Eat being seen as a lesser evil than Starbucks, Costa, Coffee Republic, More Coffee Bollocks and all the others.

Big mistake. Or, possibly, regular mistake.

Because they’re stupid. And only do coffee in two sizes. Errrrr, big and little? Little and large? Humungous and pathetic? Elephant and mouse? No, regular and small. As if the big one is your norm. I wanted a ‘big’ and a ‘small’ for me mate. And glance up to check the terminology that I knew to be specific to this establisment. But I looked at the wrong board, the food one, in which they have ‘regular’ and ‘large’ and thus assumed that for coffee, when the geezer asked me ‘regular’? I said no, large… regular… big… and a small… regular… little… one…

Oh, so if its coffee, ‘regular’ means big but if its food, the same ‘regular’ means small. Oh, I, errr, get that. Ish.

Yeah, I was informed, they keep changing it. Ah, that certainly helps.

Here’s a suggestion; unless you’re going to the toilet, DON’T USE THE WORD REGULAR. Then we’ll all know what the fuck is going on.

Happy caffeined Thursday. Eventually.

GIVE US OUR LANGUAGE BACK!

A xxxx