The Northern Line managed to take me 3 stops last night before packing up. Power failure at Camden. Catastrophic. Yeah, heard it before, it’ll be going again in 5 minutes. But after 10 minutes they announced ‘the entire Northern Line is suspended’. Stranded at Tottenham Court Road. Fuck! Hang on; where there’s Lime Bikes, there’s hope!! And there was. Four of them. So I hopped on one and ‘flew’ home.

When I say ‘hopped’…

I’ve never used a Lime Bike before but apparently your Uber account accesses them, I knew that. Plus, they have ‘Uber’ written on them, bit of a giveaway. You just needed to scan the bike’s QR code and ‘off you go!!!!’ But, of course, in my appaphobic anger, it wouldn’t scan. Just kept taking me to my ‘settings’ page. Where there was no picture of Lime bike. Just a lot of ambiguous app-bollocks using as many double negatives as Silicon Valley can find. “To not turn off the blocker of accessibility mode, don’t press this”. WTF??? Eventually I worked out how to let the app find my camera and, stopping a nearby lawyer as a witness, gave my ‘permission’ to film a fucking QR code. Thus the ‘hopping on’ actually took longer than the ride home. Which was lovely, Lime Bikes are really user-friendly to ride. And it cost me 9 quid. I looked on the app for the bit where it’s free for over-60s, AS ALL TRAVEL SHOULD BE, but it must have been broken. Or it would have said: “don’t press this if you’re not older than 60”.

I came home and looked for a suitable parking place for the bike. In someone’s driveway? Blocking the pavement’s a good place. Inside Waitrose front door? Ah, I’ll just leave it on that pensioner’s head as he walks down the street.

However, nothing could have dampened my mood yesterday. Nothing! Because Oasis are re-forming and that, to be honest, is proof, if ever it were needed, that there is a God. A real one. Up in heaven. In whose image we are made. So God is an ugly northern verminous piece of vile Mancunian-ness, wearing a fringe and dark glasses at night-time, who swears a lot, is abusive and insulting to one and all and yet who thinks He is the best thing that was ever invented.

Yeah, Noel and Liam are back together. I never thought the day would come. It’s like Spurs winning a trophy; you really want it but just know it can never be. The two brothers embraced… ok, scowled at each other across the Etihad one day and realised that everybody hates them. They’ve spent 20 years cultivating the most toxic personae they could, never even trying to lose their accents, and they only have each other. Possibly, deserve each other. I would rather donate the 350 quid ticket price to ISIS than enrich them and feed their arrogance.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx