London is 4 million years old. It was built by a Diplodocus called Harry and a Wooly Mammoth called Nigel. I’m not talking about the land where London is situated, I’m talking about LUUUNDUUUN, the city, the area, the best place in the world. And its big, like all, er, big Cities. So we break it up into bite sized bits so you know which traffic jam you need to sit in to get somewhere, or which tube station to disembark. Other cities have their ‘bits’ too. All cities have their Soho, or SoHo, or Les Halles or Ramblas, or Grenwich Village or Santa Monica or Little Italy, Chinatown, whatever. And other than the Soho thing, which was stolen from us, they are pretty much unique areas.

Until now. When suddenly someone has decided that London needs to be New York. Or a Paris. And its stupid, unnecessary and fucking pretentious.

We are in the process of acquiring a Mid-Town. Ooooooh, that’s nice. No, in fact it isn’t. Its the nothing strip between Holborn and Centre Point. It used to be called ‘that nothing bit between Holborn and Centre Point’, now its gonna be ‘mid-town’. Because that way they can charge more rent. Iss juss maffs, innit?

We now have Silicon Roundabout. We couldn’t afford a whole valley, so just have the roundabout. And you couldn’t really build a valley in Shoreditch; it wouldn’t fit. But when all the tech companies locate somewhere you have to name it ‘silicon’ something because all those female executives who managed to smash the ‘glass ceiling’ all have breast implants to celebrate. New job= more money= bigger tits. I understand that.

Then there’s ‘The Science Quarter’, which used to be known as Bloomsbury. A lovely name. A uniquely London name defining an area famous for lots of dead people of note, The British Museum, Great Ormond Street hospital and three pizza shops.

Now we’re getting The Cultural and Education Quarter. Wow. In Stratford. Hackney Marshes to be precise. The Olympic Park (just head east, keep going and when you fall asleep on the Central Line, you’re there). The Victoria & Albert Museum are building an annexe there. Right where the goalposts for the Women’s polo event was held. The London Arts University is building something there (that’ll be the ‘education’ bit; if you call ‘art’ education) and Saddler’s Wells, the famous dance and theatre company are having a Saddler’s Wells 2, or Saddler’s Wells East, or a Ballet Hackney Marshes, branch opening in the olympic park too.

And the final resident of our soon-to-be ‘Cultural and Education Quarter’ is West Ham United. Who will move in to the old Olympic stadium as soon as all the corruption, fraud and misappropriation of funds charges are dropped and they’ve reduced the size to accommodate all 625 people who are preparted to watch that football team on a regular basis.

A perfect fit; West Ham and the Cutlural, Educational bit. Because, by incorporating all those words into the only true sentence that can accommodate them: West Ham are the least cultured club on the planet and most of its players, fans and management are completely lacking an education.

A pig in lipstick is still a pig.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx