This is my ‘roadmap to normality’. I think it explains more than all Boris’s words of good but misguided intentions which constitute his ‘roadmap’. Plus, I really hate that word in such a metaphorical context. It’s patronising. Don’t know why, but it is.

Anyway, life goes on. Went to work yesterday and had lots to do, including meeting my own personal detective. The ‘alleged’ burglar who broke into my store is in remand, having pleaded ‘not guilty’. The man who was found round the corner with my cabinet. Kicking it. With the crow bar used to smash the window. Caught with hands full of Ray Bans. Not guilty. Must have been mistaken identity. In a completely deserted City of London at midnight during ‘lockdown’. Or police brutality. I’m hoping the latter. And hoping its continuing during his time ‘on remand’. Another burden on the tax-payer.

Jonathan Sumption was on the radio yesterday pointing out some uncomfortable statistics for the government and repeating his 7 week mantra which is, we should just carry on as normal with those at risk, over 70s or health impaired, taking all the precautions they want. And stating that, essentially, for the (truly minuscule; not even rating the thinnest entry on the DEATH FROM CORONAVIRUS!!!! statistical charts) risk which the virus represents to the majority of people, we’ve sold our economic and financially viable future. And Lord Sumption may be a bit ‘odd’, but he is also exceptionally clever. And being probably the foremost expert on the Tudor period, he’s fully qualified to comment on plagues.

So the news that ‘the furlough’ will be extended until October offered me scant relief. October… October… FUCKING OCTOBER!!!!! When I was hoping to be hugging people by July. Working normally by August. Going on holiday in September. Exchanging bodily fluids with strangers in Waitrose by June. And who wants to be furloughed when the weather’s shit?

Thus the ‘furlough’, planned until June initially, will extend to October. BUT!!!! Employers will have to contribute. Oh. Fine.

Actually, what’s the opposite of ‘fine’?

The whole ‘furlough’ thing is to pay employees during the time when businesses are closed and thus having virtually zero income. To keep the businesses (almost) viable and prevent mass unemployment. The government pays the wages because the businesses can’t afford it. Yet the chancellor somehow implies that in June, following 3 months of zero trade and regular expenses, those same companies will be in a somehow healthier financial situation than they were in March. And can thus ‘contribute’ to keeping people off the work that would otherwise might have paid their salaries.

I need more maths lessons. My brain hurts.

Happy re-think day

A xxxx