A roadmap used to be… a map of roads. We called them ‘A to Z’s and everyone’s car was filled with them. Today we use Waze, or similar, which not only has every road in the entire world, moon and now Mars (2021 edition), but will also tell you how many cars lie between you and your destination, who is in each one and what they had for lunch. Thus the word ‘roadmap’ became totally redundant in 2004.

But nature abhors a vacuum and Boris hates an unused word. So he took ‘roadmap’ out of the dustbin, dusted it off and gave it magical powers. Metaphorical powers. And thus the new ‘roadmap’ is the modern day version of Moses leading the Children of Israel to freedom. Out of slavery. And guess who’s gonna play the leading role? One clue: fat blonde.

So this is how our saviour will organise our liberation from the yokes we carry, from our constraints and restrictions.

March 8th.
Schools open. All those covid infested but asymptomatic kids get let loose to infect any of their mates who as yet is not a carrier. Teachers must NOT under any circumstances, get vaccinated. It would upset… the… errr… well, they mustn’t, and that’s IT!!!

March 28th.
Andy can play tennis again. Nothing else matters. Three people can sit on 4 park benches, drinking coffee, but not if it has sugar. Six people from 3 households can still ignore each other, if they didn’t know each other before Covid. And house parties can start but are NOT allowed to finish. Until…

May 22nd.
When football starts again. Not that it ever stopped but this time the crowds can return. No more than 9 at any stadium. Each half. Non-essential shops might re-open, then again, might not. Hairdressers can open because Boris has taken ‘shaggy’ to a new extreme, verging on the ‘crazed axe man’ look he pioneered in 1973.

June 7th.
You can drink outside the pub. But mustn’t go inside. Not even to take a pee. This may limit alcohol sales, or increase street urination, but either way, inside is OUT!

June 29th.
Everything returns to ‘normal’. The tubes will be rammed, the roads blocked, Oxford Circus station closed due to overcrowding, 327 flights scheduled from Heathrow. Theatres re-open, cinemas finally get that James Bond. Hugging is back, snogging with strangers to be encouraged, masks binned. Restaurants open for indoor dining but you have to cook it yourself. Like you have been for the past 18 months.

Note. All these dates are final and legally binding. Unless the statisticians deem otherwise. The same statisticians who came up with the wonderful algorithm for GCSEs last year. So make sure you wash your hands when performing calculations.

Stay safe. Protect Moses.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx