I don’t watch darts. I’m scared to. Because if you watch so much as one solitary dart winging its way to the board, then you’re there FOREVER!!!! You can’t look away. Its compelling, compulsive, addictive and revolting. It was an error of God, when he made Adam; he forgot to set the ‘stop’ button on the ‘watching darts’ program. So you watch one, then two more, that makes ONE HUNDRED AND TWEEEEEEENTEEEEE (scores have to be loud otherwise they don’t work properly). But by the time he’s finished saying it, you’re already trying to work out how many points are now needed and whether he should play “double fourteen-triple nineteen bull” or “triple 17 triple 18 double top”. So the best way is, when you see that a channel is showing darts, look elsewhere.

But then once in a while that sport(? is it a ‘sport’? Really?? Its kind’a ‘leisure activity’ really, like golf) makes it onto the news. As it did yesterday. Because Luke Littler, (given the honour of today’s pic), is just 16 years old and won through to the third round… possibly 5th, of some tournament or other. You know the one, played up north, loads’a great fat people frowin’ arrers, crowds of screaming, tattooed drunks in the audience… that one. And that is great for sport, great for Britain, great for kids, even if they look like grandparents, and fabulous for fat people in general.

Luke’s secret? How he did so well? It was all down to the kebab he ate the night before. Which, I’m guessing a bit and ‘judging by appearances’, is not really a rare or unusual occurrence in his life. Yet in this morning’s paper they actually had a photo of him eating the kebab, the one that is his inspiration, his stimulation certainly his satisfaction. Never likely to be his constipation.

Is that how we want our kids to be? Do I see Joey, at age 16, being ‘shit hot’ at darts, semi-literate, grunting monosyllabically and morbidly obese from kebabs? I can only dream… Otherwise he’s destined to become a hit-man.

Happy not-many-days-before-Christmas Day

A xxxx