This is the greatest catastrophe since William of Orange got stuck in France for 14 years. Whilst Bonny Prince Ethelred was dying from terminal sword wounds in Buckinghamshire after a Millwall match. Possibly since Henry 2nd was struck by an HGV on a mud path near Luton on what would, just a few hundred years later, become the M1.

We are short of royals. There’s only a few to go round at the best of times, but now, Charles is off for ‘prostate issues’ (more than enough information on that subject) and Kate is banged up in the Edward VIIth following an ‘abdominal operation’ of non-specific, eyes-only, top secret, need-to-know variety, leaving us to speculate wildly as to what it might be? Having a gastric band fitted? Possibly. Maybe the ‘abdominal’ is just a decoy and she’ll come out in 3 weeks looking just like Kim Kardashian, or Brad Pitt, maybe Ellis Genge, and then we’ll know.

But meanwhile, what the fuck do we do if need a royal in a hurry?? There’s only Camilla, and she’s not that royal really, or Wills, but he’ll be doing the dutiful husband bit and looking after the kids. Even though they’re all at boarding school, he has 17 nannies and a staff of 622. Harry’s gone… FOREVER!!!, Anne’s a bit old. Andrew… well, that ain’t gonna happen unless you’re looking for someone to perform the opening of a new brothel in Esher. Specialising in imported disabled children, illegally trafficked from the Far East. Suppose there’s Edward? Ok, maybe not.

Great Britain could be at risk of attack!!! We have no King to lead us in battle if the Houthis come here for an away match. We have no Kate to remind us that not everyone with the surname ‘Windsor’ looks like a failed experiment in genetic inbreeding manipulation. Who will shake lots of hands in crowds? Wave from very slow moving vehicles? Jesus, we are a nation exposed!!!!, without our royals.

The nearest available are Mike Tindall or me!!! I’m sitting by the phone.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx