The front page headline on last night’s evening standard read: “royal invite for NHS Doc who helped princess walk tall”. I mean it didn’t have any !!!!! after it but it could well have done. And we still would have had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. But of course (???) its about Princess Eugenie who is getting married next weekend. Of course. We’re all excited and riveted and really NEED to know that the surgeon who sorted out her dodgy back, aged 12, gets an invite to the ‘Royal Wedding’ of the… month. Not of the year, Harry and Meg already done dat. Relegating this one to the top of everyone’s ‘who cares?’ pile.

I kind’a knew Eugenie was getting married, there was an article a while back about the BBC stating that they wouldn’t be filming it. Errrr… there’s a ‘Gardener’s World’ special about Japanese knotweed scheduled. Hmmm… we’re showing a compilation of out-takes from Celebrities on skates doing silly things. It clashes with the football. Anything, just NOT EUGENIE’S FUCKING WEDDING!

But why? She’s a royal, ain’ she? She’s a granddaughter of the Queen. Just like Harry. But a gel. Even got the ginger hair. The only difference is; no-one cares about her. Nor about her mother. The ‘saintly’ Sarah. Fergie, as she was known. Before she became a financial whore. Even Prince Andrew was shamed in various get-richer schemes and dodgy deals, making promises about his connections and influence. The whole family is a bit on the sorry side.

Why that was a front page headline on the day we almost started a war with Russia I’ll never know.

Meanwhile, back in Australia, they’ve shown once again why that is the land that God not only deserted but put there simply as a punishment. Which is why he loaded it with all of the most toxic, deadly, venomous and evil creatures not found anywhere else on His planet. They have the most deadly jelly-fish (kill ya dead from 100 yards away), the most dangerous spider, the most wicked snakes, the sharks are fucking everywhere and the drivers are terrible. But we know all that.

What we didn’t know was that they also have the most deadly sea snakes too. Who’d’a guessed? So when there’s no shark warnings and you go for a paddle in the shark-netted area, just to be safe, and think that it must be the best place in all of Australia as all those land killing creatures can’t follow you, you get bitten by a sea snake and, like the British kid the other day, you fucking DIE!

We’re going to Australia at Christmas. I’m not getting out of the car. After checking for spiders first, obviously.

Happy horrible pissing-down Saturday

A xxxx