The Olympic Federation of Universal Consolidated Kommunities (O’FUCK) has a zero tolerance policy on performance enhancing and recreational drug use by athletes. To which end we have random drug testing. And any athlete shown to test positive for banned substances will be suspended from all competition with immediate effect. Should more than 2 members of the same team both test positive, the club or nation which they represent will be completely suspended with immediate effect. Following which there will be an inquiry. Should this lead to indication beyond reasonable doubt of any kind of ‘culture’ of drug programs for athletes, or any institutionalised doping, that institution will be banned for a minimum of 5 years.

Except Russia.

Obviously.

After finding proof that every single Russian athlete, both summer and winter, were pumped full of absolutely anything which could make them a little bit faster, bigger, higher, lower, brighter and/or stronger, it was found that there were government departments for the administration of dope. There was a Commissioner for Steroid Abuse. The sports clubs were run by Big Pharma. No athlete was allowed to compete until he/she had maxed out on amphetamines. Any athletes who died in the cause of ‘self improvement’ were given posthumous gold medals. And were cremated before anyone could perform an autopsy. Sometimes on the track.

So Russia was banned from Olympic sport. As they should have been.

Until the next Olympics. When a new team called ‘(nothing to do with) RUSSIA’ emerged from… somewhere east of Europe. Their representatives spoke Russian, acted Russian and answered to Vladimir Putin. But they were nothing at all to do with Russia, as we know it. No, they were from the ‘Russian Olympic Committee’. See? Not Russia at all. Russia are being punished so obviously this lot must be something else.

Then a not Russian athlete tested positive for a banned substance. But they let her ice dance in Beijing. Because you would if… errrr… well, you just would. Then they decided to allow the gold medal she won stand. Because the positive result was to be… ignored? Reversed? (Like unscrewing a pregnant woman). And now she’s been cleared by a new committee so she can win more golds for the ROC. Well, its not like she’s doing it for those cheating drug-pushing, ‘roided-up’ Ruskis, is it?

I’m glad they’re taking a firm stance in this very serious matter.

WTF???

Andy xxxx