“What was it that first attracted (tall, blond, slim, young) you to that old, short, fat, bald but exceptionally rich ****?” so once asked ‘Mrs Merton’ of Debbie McGee, the wife of Paul Daniels. Fantastic question. And funny because it speaks volumes. It makes judgments.

Ok, so this is Irina Shayk, the ex-bird of Christiano Ronaldo. Who (Irina, not Christiano… that we konw of) ‘allegedly’ once had an affair with Sepp Blatter. This has been denied, but who cares about that. Its too wonderful to ignore because we’re all intrigued by the affairs of others. And we like to make judgments.

She’s only after his money.
She’s a power-whore.
I’m not surprised; he’s so hunky.

Except Ronaldo has loads of money. Millions and millions. Surely, after your first 10 million they all start to look the same? And also surely, other than hidden funds which we’ll doubtless be hearing about pretty soon, Ronalds is much richer than Sepp.

And much hunkier, if you like your men stunningly fit and sculpted with a six pack and bulging muscles and loads of hair gel. Sepp obviously uses far less hair gel.

Ok, Sepp is powerful, in a way. Or rather, he was. But Ronaldo has sufficient that doors will open for him, restaurants find tables, underpants get sold.

So we need to think what it is that Sepp Blatter, at 50 years Irina’s senior, could offer that the preening Portuguese ponce couldn’t. Or didn’t.

Maybe it was romance, cuddles, affection, something simple like that. Sepp held her hand whilst they watched Downton Abbey together, Ronaldo preferred to watch it from his exercise bike whilst peering into a big mirror.

Maybe Sepp serenaded her with his experience as a wedding singer? Maybe she gets off on his slightly accented version of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ and it makes her feel all warm and wobbly. Just makes me feel like vomiting personally, but I’m not a Russian supermodel.

Or then there’s the more obvious. The top 2 reasons as voted by… er, me. Firstly that Sepp is hung like a fucking donkey whilst Ronaldo had his testicles removed when he was 19 to stop the hairs growing on his chest thus saving 35 Euros a month in waxing and he’s hung like a budgerigar.

Orrrrrr, as I’ve long suspected (of absolutely any man who hangs out with a really beautiful woman) Ronaldo is gay and the relationship merely a sham, a cut-out, a convenient cover for him. And when he put on his clever disguise as a vain, narcissistic tosser to roam the back alleys of Madrid in seach of rent boys, Irina went in search of the type of solace only an ugly, corrupt, septuagenerian tub of lard could provide.

Its so obvious really.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx