Ok, bruvvers wot works for Transport fer Lunduun, dis is ‘ow we copes wiv shit wot ‘appens on are trains, right?

Less take an ‘ypofetical, right? Some geezer, f’rinstance, decides to take a walk along the tracks around Euston, in da rush hour. We need a plan, a guideline, for da union. And its diss:

1. Shut off the power to the line, immediately and wiv’out delay. In case this ‘ypofetical geezer is, like, Usain Bolt, shut off ALL the ‘lectricity to ALL the line. All 97 miles of it. Juss in case.

2. Go for a cuppa tea. Now da power’s off iss all safe, innit, so relax wiv a nice brew to enhance critical thinking.

3. Realise that, in this ‘rush hour’ scenario, there are upwards of 50,000 people trying to travel on the northern line. Well fuck ‘em. They’ll ave ta wait.

4. Under no circumstances make any announcements that might prove useful to these non-union bastards leaching off the blood of workers by using our trains. Announcements can be made, on a strictly local level, but with as little information as is possible IN ALL CASES, not providing any facts that may enable these people to get home by other means. That might cause excess capacity on other lines and our bruvvers there will have to work more.

5. Make sure, at all costs, that the TFL ‘live feed’ on the website maintains the words ‘good service’ for at least 25 minutes after there is in fact no service. Looks better on the page.

6. Remember the line to give to all the 50,000 who approach you for information, insight, advice: “I dunno”.

7. If ya dunno nuffink, might as well take another tea break. No trains, nuffink to do, right?

Last night, coming home to see MY baby, who was waiting for me. 2 hours later she was in bed, night had fallen, I was in an Uber on the last leg of an exceptionally tortuous and circuitous journey. Cos some tosser had gone for a walk along the fucking tracks at Euston. And the multitude of tossers working for TFL make no efforts to give the stranded passengers any worthwhile or workable info. They might as well work for EasyJet.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx