Jesus died to save me. According to some random man who told me just that as he walked past me outside Lords Cricket ground one evening. Just kind’a ‘en passant’. And it was a revelation! It changed my life! Three stars collided in the sky as he said it!! Oh, actually, a bus hit a lamp-post, but that’s almost the same thing! The miracle of St Johns Wood!!! And I was re-born! No more cynical bastard, no more atheistic unbeliever, no more swearing, no more struggling to comprehend Spurs’ place in the universe, no more shoes; its sandals only from now on; I’d found JESUSSSS!!!

But then I lost him again. One minute he was there, the next, nowhere be seen. (I may have exaggerated the ‘found Jesus’ bit, just a touch, artistic license.) And it wasn’t just the thought that at some point I may need to wear socks with my sandals that had me running away from the saviour I’d only just found. It’s the whole 9 yards. All of it. Just total bollocks. From the ‘virgin birth’ to the reincarnation, all the way to Life of Brian, just rubbish. I apologise if you’re a devout Christian, with or without the sandals, but that’s just how I feel about it. And about most of anyone’s and everyone’s religion. It’s like Brexit, you believe in it or you don’t. I’m only Jewish because I was born that way and they make the best chopped liver. If the 7th Day Adventists come up with a better recipe, then I’ll be one of them.

And at Christmas!!! What am I thinking???

Bad thoughts, that’s what I’m thinking. But not all bad. Can’t be all bad as I’m enjoying my second day off and have nine more to follow. And the weather’s lovely and we have a European trade deal, to end all deals! Which it probably will. We’ll have fallen foul of those horrible, dictatorial, inflexible Euros within a year. And then the ‘tariffs’ will arrive! You want a Renault (no idea why ya would, just anex-ample, innit), that’s well overpriced at 12 grand. But after the tariff, call it 51,000 even. Ok? Cos that leaves 39k to split between Merkel, Macron, Ursula Von der Leyen and Greece.

We have a ‘Canada Deal’. Not a Norway. Not even a Fiji or North Korea. Canada. Every polar bear we send them they give us three BMWs and a Camembert. It’s a good deal. If you like Camembert.

But if ‘the devil is in the details’ I think we’re all going to become satanists by the time we’re read the 2000 pages required to see which part of how many souls have been sold down the river. And by which side.

Happy Christmas to absolutely everyone. Even those of you I really don’t like.

A xxxx