All religions have some kind of ‘second coming of the messiah’. Even though most don’t really remember the first one. Jesus was a good dude but no-one realised how good til he’d died. Then was reborn, then died again. And THEN did he become the stuff of legend. Well, the ‘Virgin birth’ bit helped. They’d never believe that in the Wirral. ‘Virgin births’ every day up there.

The Jews believe that if enough people do enough good things, the Messiah will come down to earth. Like a spiritual lottery win. You’ll know him when he arrives. Old geezer with a long white beard, black hat and shiny coat.

But now and again messiahs do arrive. One such was Jurgen Klinsmann, hallowed be his name. He’d played for Spurs and was already, like, a normal ‘god’, for the classic ‘dive’ goal celebration if not for everything else he did, which was totally wonderful and of genius calibre. He left and then, when all was going to shit down the Lane and the bottom had fallen out of our lives, HE returned among us. Like a normal mortal, but with a German accent. And He turned our season around totally. Whilst all the while being the total uber-mensch that we all remember. Eloquent, wry, witty and charming.

Well now we’re ready for another messiah down the Lane. It’s (fucking) time. After Sunday’s appalling season opener, its perhaps a bit early to write off yet another year, even for lifelong Spurs fans for whom ‘optimism’ means ‘we won’t get hammered too badly’. Yet if God moves in mysterious ways, he still couldn’t outrun Gareth Bale on the wing. No-one could. I hope that his years as a full-time golfer haven’t affected his speed or ability too much, but it would appear that, in answer to all our prayers, Gareth is coming home. Back to the team that didn’t exactly spawn him, but that made him into a player of such status that his move to Real Madrid made him the world’s most expensive footballer. And rightly so. He was, as our forays into the Champions League showed so greatly, totally unplayable. Mocking the world’s best defenders, scoring for fun, making the outrageously impossible look just plain normal. Like any true God should do.

I’m going to pay him 300 grand a week, from my own furlough payments, and Real Madrid will pay the other half. Otherwise he might go hungry.

But for the boost it will give the team, for the added dimensions that we currently sorely miss, for just the presence of Gareth Bale in Spurs kit once more, no price is too great.

Am I building this up too much? I don’t think so. In fact, I barely think at all any more. I just know. Gareth IS the messiah!!!

Happy signing day (I hope)

A xxxx