The latest wisdom to come out of Australia is that to avoid a shark attack you need to dress like a zebra. Sharks are famously scared shitless of zebras and will avoid confrontation with that most docile of cud-chewers at any cost. Have you ever seen a fight between a shark and a zebra? No, no-one has, those cowardly fish never go to the forests to find stripy horses. So if you choose to surf off the coast of Australia, or ‘shark-central’ as its known, it is advised to do it in a zebra suit.

Apparently sharks only see a dark shadow of swimmers/surfers against the sky and ‘mistake’ the person for their normal food. But their normal food is ‘meat’. More accurately ‘any fucking meat’ be it fish-meat, seal-meat, mammal-meat or human-meat. “Meat is meat”. That’s the tattoo sharks would all have if you could tattoo underwater. But if you wear stripes, as the shark comes out of the water to start lunch, it gets confused, visually, and says: “oh, sorry, mate, thought you were something else” and gently swims away. Bloody sharks…

John Terry seems to have difficulty staying on the pitch at present. He lasted 45 minutes last week before being substituted and just a little longer this week before being sent off for assault and battery. Though in Morinho’s eyes, ‘he did nothing’ and it was all the ref’s fault. That’s unusual. Pedro looking like a worthwhile addition to the squad, sadly.

Manchester City trounced Everton, previously unbeaten in 1 game. Possibly 2. But City looked very dangerous. Very good, in fact. Quite scary. They seem to have ironed out the creases that were very evident towards the end of last season and progressed back to the ‘fucking awesome’ level of seasons past.

Arsenal play Liverpool tonight. Is this the first 6-pointer of the season? I’m going to check with the points award committee and I’ll get back to you.

Happy Monday. Keep away from sharks. And zebras.

A xxxx