100,000 people have converted to vegansim this January. Not sure how they know that. Do you have to ‘register’ as a vegan? Do you need a license? Or do they have smug-detectors vans out there just noting the increased activity as they drive round Hackney and Islington? I don’t know. But 100k extra vegans in the land. Sighs of relief from herds of cattle, I dare say. You know my views: eat what ya fucking want; just LET EVERYONE ELSE DO THE SAME and eat what they want. Is there a law that to be vegan means you have to be an evangelist about it? That you have to assume some sort of moral superiority just because of what you choose to eat? Or choose not to eat?? Seems that these 100k who’ve ‘pledged’ to become vegans this January are just acting like sheep. Obviously like sheep that aren’t mutton and without skins.

How about the scientist who is a ‘bivalvegan’? WHATTTT??? Oh, come on, you know what that is, don’t be so horrendously ‘2017’, its a vegan who eats bivalves. Mussels, scallops, oysters, you know, bivalves. Eats them because, as a scientist, she positively ‘knows’ that their nervous systems simply lack the necessary equipment to feel ‘pain’. She could ask them. “Open up half way for ‘yes’ or all the way for ‘no'”. Or she could just stick them into a pot of boiling water and use my rule: if you can’t hear them scream, then they ain’t screaming. Lobsters (not bivalves, obviously, but crustacea) fail this test, they do scream. Or, pass this test, they do scream, depending on which side of the totally stupid, hypocritical and ass-holish debate you stand (in your leather-free shoes with your synthetic socks and sack-cloth shirt).

But surely its not just about ‘pain’ and, its about death and exploitation. Are bivalves not animals? Are they not being bred in horrible conditions, farmed en masse just for the human palate? They might not feel pain but could still like a nice view, perhaps. A stagnant river-bed in the Wirral. Who knows what bivalves ‘think’. Or if they think at all. So this heartless bitch is happy to throw a dozen oysters down her gullet but ‘gets really upset about whitebait’. All those animals dead just to feed one human!!!! Well I love whitebait. Especially their heads. Which Mel sometimes cuts off and then I eat them. And I think I can tell the ones that really felt pain because they definitely taste better.

I’m gonna be a vealgan. Like a vegan but eats veal. Well why the fuck not? Its as much sense as anything else. Its enough to make you turn to football. As long as they’re not made of cow-hide like they used to be.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx