I’ve always been rather concerned about the welfare of crabs. In much the same way I worry that all grass seems to be green. Or that East Molesey cricket club lost a game on June 17. Or my shoes are a bit scuffed. It all falls in the ‘who gives a shit?’ category of too much important or interesting stuff going on to bother about.

Until now. Because apparently, the ‘proper’ way to cook crabs and lobsters, by immersing them still alive into their boiling cooking pot, is now being questioned by animal welfare organisations. Several interesting questions arise:

1. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE???
2. HAVE THEY NOTHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT???
3. WHO PAYS THEM??
4. IS IT ME?? In which case I am now officially refusing to pay any more tax until its spent on more important things. Like banks. Maybe these animal welfare people are all unemployed bankers with nothing to do and too much time?

An Italian chef (I won’t bother with his name; long and Italian; any of them will do) tells of how he is still ‘haunted’ by the screams of lobsters being immersed into their watery graves. Nob. Typical fucking homocentric Eye-talian. No, that’s not a gay thing, though in his case, bloody crying at a stupid lobster…
Its giving every action the assumption that its exactly the same as if humans did the same thing. So when ‘a doggy looks sad’ he really doesn’t. He looks like a fucking dog. Upon whom we’ve mistakenly applied the expression to look like sadness if it was on a human. Maybe it means the dog is hungry, horny, thirsty, upset about the Lib-Dems in government (homocentric joke), anything. But if that’s the look you’d see on a sad human then ‘the dog is sad’. Even if its happy as Larry. And Larry is a right homocentric.

So maybe lobsters scream when they’re happy. If its kind of the only noise you can make its rather hard to be that specific as to its ‘meaning’. We had the same problem with the girls in Essex where I grew up. But even if it is ‘a scream’, has this man never heard a woman orgasm? Has he never watched When Harry met Sally?? Maybe the only way a lobster can reach a total and pure climax is to be immersed into boiling water? And by changing that you’d be depriving crabs and lobsters of their ultimate thrill. It must be hard to masturbate when your ‘hands’ are razor sharp and made to chop things in half.

They’ve now invented ‘the Crustastun’, brilliant name for wonderful invention. You put your fresh lobster inside and its stunned by a few thousand volts of electricity. Ahhhh, that’s nice, lucky crabs. Then put into boiling water.

I think I’d rather be a crustacian in an Italian restaurant than a death row inmate in America. Where this week the ‘lethal injection’ took 1 hour and 47 minutes to kill the victim. He died of old age whilst waiting for the ‘lethal’ bit to happen. I’m quite opposed to capital punishment, but if you’re gonna do it JUST SHOOT THE FUCKER!

Happy sunny Saturday. Even for lingustines.

A xxxx