Well, Europe or not, us British folk are simply the best at music. Always have been. Last night at the Brit awards, the British swept the board. Funny that. Other than Justin Beiber who won ‘the token Canadian gesture’ for being a silly little tosser that no-one likes. The sympathy award. In fact it wasn’t British people who won the gongs but a British person. Adele. Who won them all. Because she is simply the best. Without parallel in the modern music industry. And she’s a Spurs fan. I was in tears. Well, I would have been if I’d have seen any of it. (A girl from-) Tottenham lifting four trophies in one night. The dream.

And Chris Martin won an award and ‘dedicated it to all the refugees’. What a man. ‘Because they could be us and we could be them’, as he put it, obviously in honour of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. And I’m sure none of those refugees (can you get ITV in Calais?) felt in any way patronised by this multi-squillionaire muso with homes in 6 countries and a few jets to take him between them. In fact the next fragile, rapidly deflating dinghy that lands in Greece with 150 more people on board than it was designed to take, will dedicate their safe arrival to Coldplay.

But they’re still building robots. Artificial Intelligence. There’s a new one. He(?) is called Atlas and he’s a big bugger. Stands not just like a man but like a defensive lineman in the NFL. And he does ‘tasks’ like stacking shelves (worth $3billion of anyone’s money) but he can also resist bullying. Yes, if you hit him with a big stick, he just gets up again. Amazing. And doesn’t even need counselling afterwards.

And that’s the issue. They build robots but want them to be ‘thinking’… er… humanoids? thinking people?? thinking things. So you have all that fantastic technology, governing jointed arms and legs and opposing thumbs and all the great stuff that evolution worked out for us, plus superhuman strength, limitless energy (like your mobile; possible problem there) and armour plating. And they have them sweeping floors or stacking shelves. Because they’re basically fucking stupid. You can’t build a brain, however many circuits you have at your disposal.

So the answer is: just build the robot suits, all the joints and helmets and shit, lightweight, missile-proof and probably armed with all kinds of firepower, and wrap it round a human. Who CAN think. Ok, who might think evil things, but then you don’t have the stumbling block of the oh so illusive Artificial Intelligence.

Build Iron Man!!!!

And give it to me to try out. I’ll be good, I promise. I won’t just cruise the night sky above the North Circular blowing up Nissan Micras doing 38mph in the fast lane, I promise. I won’t shoot all the nobs and wankers glued to their phones. Ok, there may be some collateral damage but I’ll really try to be good. And I want Gwyneth Paltrow to be my assistant. Not much to ask, surely?

Happy Thursday

A xxxx