I keep reading articles about how unpredictable things are in the Emirates. Not the stadium but the actual place, which was obviously named after the stadium because its full of Arsenal fans. Just last week a British citizen, who happens to be Swedish, was arrested at Dubai airport because she had the smell of booze on her breath. The drink was given to her on an Emirates flight out there from Heathrow. Free. She wasn’t drunk, loud, offensive or hostile. Though did start filming things when the immigration officer got a bit nasty as he refused her entry to the country. She spent a few nights in jail before charges were dropped. How was YOUR holiday?

Now an engineer in Abu Dhabi is on bail after being in jail for six weeks charged with ‘sexual assault’. He’s a 52 year old grandfather accused of sexually assaulting 2 ex-military young men in a hotel lobby. Because apparently, in Emirate-land, any form of ‘touching’ is a bit of an issue. Even when you brush past someone in a hotel lobby, f’rinstance.

Visitors are now warned that they must avoid any ‘touching, swearing or offending anyone in authority’. Which happen to be the list of my 3 favourite hobbies. Also be well to avoid boozing, smelling of booze, looking Western or being too ‘there’, presumably.

So for all its supposed luxury and six-star hotels and fucking submarines to get to restaurants, you should do what I do, and just never go to the Emirates. There are places to visit in the middle East where touching is commonplace, swearing compulsory and arguing with authority figures is just a way of life. And the car park attendants may wear smart uniforms but don’t have powers of arrest. Well, ok, there’s ONE place in the middle east.

Manchester United are a team torn. Again. Jose Morinho is really pissed off that he’s only spent 400 million pounds on players since he arrived 2 years ago. And that he couldn’t get the centre back he needs and wants. Even though he personally bought the two current incumbents, useless as they appear to be. The chief exec won’t give him more money and as this chief is responsible for the current £3billion valuation of the football club, he has ‘some influence’ there with the Glazers. Let’s just hope they stay in as much disarray as possible until after we play them on Monday night.

Happy Lila-day

A xxxx