Shane Warne is on one of those enlightening and morally uplifting ‘let’s take a bunch of hasbeens out to the jungle and humiliate them’ shows. Australia’s best ever spin bowler (according to his mum), former Hurley-shagger, sometime cricket commentator and poster-boy for ‘New-thatch!’ hair transplants is with a group of other ‘used-to-be’s on a show where they force them to eat slugs and worms, swim naked with electric eels, swallow handfulls of maggots, sleep next to an inflatable Jeremy Corbyn, wear an Arsenal scarf for an hour and listen to ‘Reg’ from Mumbai telling you why you need to change your power supplier. Difficult stuff. Testing a man’s mettle.

Shane’s ‘trial’ was to dip his head into a tank full of snakes. Wearing only protective eyewear. And his shorts.

“IF THERE’S ONE THING WOT REALLY SCARES ME SHITLESS!!!!!” shouted the big Aussie, “ITS FRIKKIN’ SNAAAAAKES!!!!” (I have no idea if all or any of those words were uttered but they so easily could have been.)

Whereas actually, what really scares Shane, like all Aussies, is excessive sobriety, losing cricket to the Poms, wearing a suit, losing his hair or acting in a civilised manner for more than 3 minutes.

So in went Shane’s head, to the tank of wriggling, slithering, writhing horrors, and he got bitten on the face by an Anaconda. Which isn’t poisonous. So that’s fine.

NO, ITS NOT FINE. ITS HORRIBLE, VILE AND REVOLTING AND THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES FOREVERRRRRRR!!!!!

Because maybe snakes are Shanes ‘biggest fear’, as he claimed, but they’re certainly mine. No reason in particular. But I’m not sure you need a reason for a phobia. That’s the point of phobias; they’re irrational. “Oh, don’t be silly, that 6 foot long FUCKING LETHAL FUCKING COBRA is more scared of you than you are of it”. Wanna bet?

When we travelled round Australia a few years back I always picked the hotel room on the highest floor. “Oh, don’t you want to be near the pool/beach/lump of rock/kangaroos/whatever???” No, I want to be as far away from the snakes as possible. Snakes hate stairs. Scientific fact. And they get claustrophobic in lifts. So yes, room 3904 will be fine, thank you very much. Its not a problem in Berlin, Paris, Iceland. Ground floor is fine. But anywhere hot, anywhere even vaguely tropical, that becomes snakeland and I want altitude.

So I wish Shane’s face better (something I’ve always thought) but for me it would be the psychological wounds that would never heal. I’m not sure mine’ll heal even now having only read about it.

Happy snake-free Friday

A xxxx