You see, all those boffins and doctors and biochemists and clever people were never likely to be the solution to this world-wide pandemic crisis. You need someone who can think ‘outside the box’. You need something a little more intuitive, a touch of ‘top down’ reasoning, you just need someone who can look at the ‘bigger picture’ and apply something really total and gestalt.

You need a fucking retard. Unburdened by anything so ephemeral as ‘logic’, sense or knowledge. You need someone who can just put two and two together. And make 9.43recurring. Someone who would look at a fly on dogshit and think ‘hmmmmm, if I ate dogshit maybe I too could fly!!!’ You need someone who, preferably, is bright orange, has silly hair, a fat belly, a tenuous grasp on reality and (possibly, but not essentially) a wife called Melania.

Because The Donald ‘suggested’ (subject now to massive debate) that, because disinfectant kills Coronavirus, and because humans get coronavirus we should consider injecting ourselves with disinfectant. What could be more simple? More straightforward. More logical than that.

The manufacturers of Lysol, America’s go-to disinfectant for over 50 years, immediately issued a statement to the 360 million most litigious people on the planet to the gentle but firm effect of: DON’T FUCKING DO THAT!!! YOU’LL FUCKING DIE!!! Or words to that effect. Also, snorting Vim through a rolled up $20 bill is similarly to be discouraged and drinking the Toilet Duck strictly not recommended.

The comments were not made in general. The POTUS actually directed them straight at the chief medical officer of the entire United States. All 50 of them. But then slightly backtracked stating that he was being sarcastic. Oh, that’s ok then. “I was just joking” is just as good as “it was taken out of context” in terms of political denial.

But he is the fucking president of the United States of America. And, although I despair about it, some people actually listen to what he says. As if it was spoken by God herself. (If 8 year old kids are allowed to change their gender, so is God. He/she can do what… they like). And were probably already loading up their syringes in their sheds.

I’ve said it before and I will definitely have cause to say it again: President Trump is a tosser.

Football’s coming back. We’re going to have SPORT ON THE TELLY!!!!!! The lockdown dream is soon to be a reality. Germany first. Possibly May 9th. For my brother’s birthday. Even though he hates football. And then… the Premiership!!!! Played behind locked doors whilst wearing masks. But that’s got to be better than no football, surely? The only remaining question is: how can fans fight each other whilst respecting social distancing? They’re having a cabinet meeting about that on Tuesday.

Happy Day before Tomorrow

A xxxx