Sex tapes: wonderful memory of private and beautiful deeply personal intimacy shared? or a porn film with extra beer belly and cellulite that only lasts 2 minutes, 14 seconds and contains the essential words “oh bollocks, Harry, I got pins’n’needles in me frikking foot again”??

Social philosophers may ponder the reasons, the purpose and effects of ‘the sex tape’ for generations. And I can see the point, in a way, that it is a memory, a vanity, something to have. And as kids today are probably on their phones whilst having sex anyway, as they are whilst doing everything else in life, its only a flick away to tape the event. For posterity.

Back in the day we didn’t have phones with video facility; phones were tied to a wall in a room ten minutes walk away, only for those fortunate enough to have them. So the ‘selfie’ then involved arranging a portrait artist to come for several sittings. Making sex tapes a bit difficult. Especially if you suffered from premature illustration.

Now its a different kettle of fish-eyes lenses. Everyone has ‘the facility’, so when you find yourself with Paris Hilton on her knees in front of you (don’t you just hate it when that happens? all the bloody time…) let the cameras roll. So you can enjoy it together in that close and erotic way, for the five minutes the relationship is destined to last, then you can circulate it on YouPube for everyone else to see and cause shame and humiliation to all concerned.

Some guy published his ‘sex-tapes’ of an ex. And her brother, who was his flat mate (I hope you’re following this; do try to keep up), complained to him. So the guy stabbed him, then fired a harpoon gun in his neck. Guess he didn’t like to argue. Ok, the guy had psychological issues. No shit. He worked with Goldman Sacks and they almost insist upon it, or instil it as part of the basic training. And he (the murderer) was an actuary. So he could easily work out the probability of the harpoon causing damage. Errrr, 95% chance of puncturing, exit velocity of 261mph, throat versus steel… hmmm. The answer is 7!!!! I never said he was a good actuary.

I wonder if Harry and Cressida have sex tapes. They’ve never shown them to me. Because now they’ve split up and the world is in tatters. I’m organising a protest march and demonstration of our collective upset that another royal wedding won’t be forthcoming any time soon, giving us all a day off work. Royal Bummer.

I’ll miss Cressie. Which one was she? But look forward to seeing the film.

Ok, I’m off to bed; where’s my camera? And a director.

Happy thursday

A xxxx