I like to swear. Don’t know why. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel rebellious. Even though everyone swears. Makes me feel like a builder. Though they swear in Polish. I don’t know the reason, I just know its a fabulous way of self-expression. And never better than when juxtaposed with delightful and flowing eloquence of excessive fucking wordage. Maybe I think its ‘hip’ and should know better. I don’t give a shit. Swear I will.

But there’s one word. One really, really, awfully awful, dire word which I generally don’t employ without taking precautions and qualifiers and warnings of a positively Covid nature. Especially if women are around. Itself an oddity in that if you were to call me a prick or a nob I would actually like it. Depending on the context. But to even use the ‘c-word’ in a woman’s presence is to invoke wrath and anger and reprimand and disgust. Which is why it must be used with exceptionally judicious caution. Women get more upset by the c-word, men get more coronavirus. Remind me why there’s a God?

So I save such a word for when it is absolutely necessary. When it is truly required. When no other word will even start to impart the true feeling of the sentiment. When someone has exceeded everyone’s natural right to be a tosser. To be a wanker. An idiot. A horror. A gobshite. A dickhead. When mere throwaway insults pale into the humorously ironic.

And thus is the ideal word to describe Sadiq Kahn. The Mayor of London. The limp and slightly leftish (depending on to whom he’s speaking at the time) son-of-a… bus driver. Who has all the charm of a… build-it-yourself garden shed. All the charisma of Philip Green. Speaks with the flowing prose of a Millwall fan and has done nothing of any use whatsoever in his four-year tenure at the helm of the greatest city in the world.

He is the man for this crisis!! Definitely. In fact he can take a ‘problem’ and make it a ‘crisis’ all by hisself.

Just as lockdown started I was still taking the tube to town. And it was fine. 6 people on a carriage, all far apart and away. So Sadiq reduced the tubes by 60%. ‘To encourage people to stay apart’. Which is hard to do on a train with the adjacent passengers nose in your left ear. Because the trains were rammed. That act elevated the Mayor from nob-end to total-arsehole.

Then on Friday he announced that suspension of the congestion charge for cars entering central London (which stopped when lockdown started) is to be reinstated as from TODAY. Five days after Boris told us to ‘use our cars, avoid public transport’.

And then: from June 22, that congestion charge will increase by 35% (15 quid a day) AND operate all day and night, seven days a week. Leaving Londoners who need to go to the City no viable option but to use the public transport system which can’t now cope with anything approximating social distancing.

So congratulations to Sadiq Kahn. He is a total, utter and absolute C***!!!!!

Happy more shed-building

A xxxx