Look I don’t like to gloat, unless football’s involved, I’m not normally smug, unless I’m speaking to you or any other unworthy, and its not in my nature to be competitively celebratory. I’ve never previously had the opportunity to create vaccine envy.

But I’m getting the vaccine on Wednesday. What? How? Who? Where? Really???

Yes, really. A geezer will give it to me, behind the car park near Sainsbury’s, but its genuine, apparently, his mate Deano told me so, and he knows all about drugs, and its only £4,279, cash.

Joking. Though I think many such things are on offer. The ultimate ‘placebo’.

This is through the NHS. Because I am a ‘front line practitioner’ and risk life and limb every time I send some contact lenses remotely to Berwick-on-Tweed. When everyone was clapping on Thursday nights, I was bowing and thanking them for their support. Even though at that time I hardly realised I had anything to with the NHS.

Anyway, we had an email. For people such as Mel and me, we get on the vaccine list. Not, like, high on that list. Not even, medium. Barely low. Even at my age. But because of our work, and our NHS contracts, we get the honour to become the bottom feeders of the vaccine lists and await leftovers from Doctor’s vaccination clinics. And yesterday Mel got the call. We’re in. We’re on. We are chosen!!!

Mel said she felt like she’d won the lottery. I feel like I’ve got a golden coin in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Even though in normal times, the way to see me run faster than Usain Bolt is to produce a syringe.

Having the vaccine is wonderful. It means we can… well, we’re allowed to… errr… well, it means I can’t get Covid. Not guaranteed, but… better than not having it. It means I may not be able to transmit the disease… but they’re not sure. It should last… well they don’t really know. I can fly again!! I mean, on a plane. But no-one will let me land because I’m from London. And obviously we’ll be able to go to parties, eat lavish meals in restaurants and go back to the cinema. Oh. Sex with strangers is permissible, but only outside and only if they’re animals.

But with all that, or rather, with all those questions unanswered, I don’t fucking care. I’m getting vaccinated and I’m happy as can be. I just have to stay covid free for 5 days.

Yours (soon to be) with antibodies, hopefully

A xxxx