Gwyneth Paltrow has been stalked for 17 years. The man wanted to marry her, also to kill her, blow her up, cleanse her of sin. He bought her clothes, earrings and stuff.

Oh, that’s not a stalker, Gwynnie, that’s called ‘a husband’. They love ya, they hate ya; its all part of the game (the game called ‘love’, as the song goes).

Yet this man did something no husband would ever be so brave, stupid or suicidal to do. He bought her a Weight Watchers cookbook. Holy shit. And buying her a diet book is a bit like buying Jihadi John a copy of ‘the joys of murder’. She knows how to diet. She’s invented more ridiculous eating crazes than anyone else alive. Though to be fair, most of the others are no longer alive due to either malnutrition or kale-extract overdoses. ‘Death by Slime’ will be the title of Gwynnie’s biography.

But meanwhile, she’s in court, trying to ‘consciously uncouple’ from the stalker of 17 years. That’s a long stalk. By a 66-year old man. Who is a ‘Christian’. The capital ‘c’ meaning not that he’s merely a Hindu, or a Jew or a Muslim, but that he actually is someone who buys into all that Jesus shit. Though obviously not to the point where he has any concept of decent behaviour or morality. Maybe he’d been a priest? They didn’t say.

I’d hate to be stalked. Though might allow La Paltrow to stalk me for a while.

Meanwhile Spurs are STILL second in the league. Just. But an inch is as good as a mile, ask my friends at www.extend-your-penis.com. And this weekend it could all change again. We could consciously uncouple from Arsenal. Its amazing. Leicester play at Arsenal on Saturday (for the runners’ up prize) whilst Spurs take their awesome away form to Manchester City. Top four teams; 2 games. Let’s hope there’s only one winner. And that they’re wearing navy blue and white with cockerels on.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx