I’d like ta’t meerk a brief stertment on be’alf’a Yorksher Cricket Cloob, due ta’t bad stoof being spoke abert on’t news and the like.

As the new cherman, cos old’t one ‘ad ter resign yesterday along wi’t most’a’t board members, and speaking as a lifelong member’a’t cloob, being a rich, old white man, born n’t bred in the whitest county in’t coontreh, I’d just like ter start with statin’ that ther is absolutely no racism at Yorkshire Cricket Cloob. Mainly cos we don’t generally let many darkies play ‘ere. In fact we didn’t let people from Nottinghamshire play here oontil 1991. Nor (fookin’) Lancashire, County Durham nor Shropshire. Certainly not Loondon… shire. Cos before that date ya had ta be born in Yorkshire to play for’t county. Simple. Then we realised that we were loosing lots’a matches cos our squad was shite compared to all t’oothers wot was playing forrin types. An’ I’m not talkin’ France and Australia, I’m talking ixotic places like Africa. Oh, well, West Indies realleh, but same difference. An’ India, Pakistan, like real forriners wot certinly weren’t born in the counteh. Not in any counteh we knew of. Unless Islamabad is a counteh now, I really don’t know.

But we welcomed these players with open ‘earts. We treated them like broothers, like meytes, like… well, a bit like slaves but that’s just our way. An’ we’re Yorkshiremen, so we generally call a spade a spade. An’ that’s prob’leh where’t problem started. But it were just banter, just bein’ pals, ‘n the culture at’t cloob is a sort’a camaraderie by insult, friendliness by abuse. Tellin’ soom-woon to ‘go back to Bangladesh ya fookin’ Paki!’ is jus’ not racism in Yorkshire, its just foon. We all ‘ad a grert laff. Oother than those wot ended oop cryin’ but soom folk jus’ ‘ave no sense’a humour.

And as fer Michael Vaughan; racist? RACIST?? Never. ‘Ow could he be? He were captain’a bloody England, captain’a Yorksher, ‘ee’s no more racist than wot I am. The man’s a god round these parts. Callin’ ‘im a racist is like sayin’ Geoffrey Boycott is a wife-beater or sommink, jus’ roobish.

So I ‘ope that puts an end t’all this tosh’n’nonsense about racism in Yorkshire. Giyyus back our cloob, giyyus back our players and most importantleh giyyus back our bloody sponsors, we’re starvin’ oop ‘ere.

‘Appy Sat’day

A xxxx