Is there a correlation between football and alcohol? This is the question on everyone’s mind, lips and… errr… livers. So it needs exploration. Not the bit about Gazza having seven litres of pure spirit poured down his throat whilst he was tied to a chair with his head held back, that’s normal. Nor Rooney going out on the piss when he was due to sit on the bench for 90 minutes just three days later. I’d never realised that ‘sitting still whilst no longer under the influence’ was a crime. No, I’m talking about the fans. The people. The masses. The great unwashed who vote Brexit, love Trump and watch football.

Because when your team wins, you ‘go for a drink’ to celebrate. When your team loses, you ‘go for a drink’ to commiserate and console. On the way to the game you ‘stop for a drink’ to get in the mood. And if you want a ‘quick one’ at half time, you’ll probably need to leave your seat at least 10 minutes before the end of the half to get in the queue. Except at Arsenal, in the famed ‘Club Level’, where the outrageous amount paid for yearly tickets actually includes ‘all the half time booze you can hurl down your throat’ as the beers are laid out on tables for the privileged to just help themselves. Which is why that entire middle tier of the ground empties totally 15 minutes before half time and doesn’t fill up until 15 minutes after the game’s re-started.

So, basically, ‘going to football’ translates for so many as ‘going drinking’. The match starts at 3, Love, so I should be home by 5 in the morning, blind drunk and sprawled across the driveway in a pool of my own vomit. Oh, and I might be bleeding from various places and possibly in possession of an STD or 2. Love you, Byeeee…

I’m interested in the relative consumption of winning teams and losing teams’ fans on any particular week. I’m interested in levels of alcoholism based on general levels of club overall success or disappointment. And whether this is merely geographical and socio-economic in nature or actually influenced by the teams and their results. We all know that northerners drink too much and piss away at least 90% of their weekly benefits by Friday night. When there’s scarcely any football ever played.

Excessive drinking occurs at times of upset, frustration and tragic disappointment. Which is why football is the perfect medium for such an activity.

And most importantly, in case I’ve failed to mention this previously: I FUCKING HATE CHELSEA!!!!

Happy Sunday; pass the bottle

A xxxx