We need to talk about Emma Watson’s tits. I’m sorry, but that’s what its come to. Because a row has positively erupted over this very photograph, taken for Vanity Fair. As photos go, its ok. Emma has only two looks, this one, that I’ll call ‘hard and manly’ and another that she learned at Hogwarts, more ‘soft and fluffy’. She really should go to the Zoolander school to pick up a few more, but for now, that’s what there is. I saw her once at the Swiss Cottage Odeon and she looked like a 9 year-old scraggly waif. This was in the foyer, I should note, not on the screen.

However, Emma left her witchiness behind her, went to America to study (she’s clever) and has become a UN Ambassador for something or other of a broad and meaningless nature. That’s her official title. Angelina has a similar one. They’re all a bit similar, UN things given to famous babes. But Emma’s all about feminism. Gender Equality. Feminism.

And following the publication of the Vanity Fair pics, some haggard old sourpuss Daily Mailesque hack commented along the lines: “I’m a feminist, an equal rights campaigner… oh, and these are my tits”. As if feminists and breasts are an incompatible combination. But if women are allowed to keep their breasts (and I really, sincerely, heart-achingly hope they are) then perhaps its the overtness in these photos that caused some ultra-feminazi to complain so? Which yet again comes down the most confusing of all issues men have to face in the post-feminist world. Which is: at what point does ‘taking control of your body in a sort’a flaunty way change from ’empowerment’ to ‘pornography’? Not that these pics were in any way pornographic. Wish that they were, the fuss would be more worthwhile.

Because when a man sees such a thing, is he allowed to shout: “YOU GO GIRL, YOU OWN IT, YOU’RE SHOWING YOUR EMPOWERMENT”, or should he just wolf-whistle and twerk his builders’-bum-cleavage at her whilst being guilty of objectification? We need to know; we need to be told; we ain’t that bright and can’t follow the rules because they shift like thighs in a pole-dance. Oops.

It also haunts Emma a bit because she had the audacity to accuse Beyonce of being a bit provocative in her videos. As if. But what Beyonce does is definitely ’empowerment’, definitely. Nothing titillating about that whatsoever.

Hope that’s all clearer now.

Happy Friday

A xxxx