What a fuss and bother over in Reims. That’s in France. Our neighbours and friends.

Some mademoiselle was sunbathing in a park wearing a bikini, as you do when sunbathing, when a girl walked past and made a snidey comment. Mademoiselle offered an insult of her own and the two came to blows. Now that’s a good thing if its in mud, or with lots of water, but just a bit of bitch-slapping in Reims is otherwise a bit low really.

Except the comment girl had four mates with her and also has a muslim name.

So the French, being the French, have blown this up into an Islamaphobic ’cause’. The bikini was an insult to Muslims. To undress is ungodly. Decency rules… er rule. Implying that the commenter and her allies were burqua’d up religious fanatics intent on cleaning up France, starting with a park in Reims. And good luck with that, by the way.

So a million tweets and instagrams and other social media stuff flew round Le Internet, showing bikinis and breasts and thighs and all manner of French undress in public places. Support for French values (undress, bikinis, breasts and thighs) against the infiltration of Sharia demands (head-to-toe covering, headscarves, full-face Darth Vader things).

Except that wasn’t really the case. The commenter with the Muslim name was just a French girl with a Muslim name. Nothing more, nothing less. She was dressed ‘western’ (or ‘undressed Eastern’ as its also known) and confessed to using bikinis in parks herself.

So its not a big massive ’cause’. Its not a civil war. Its not an insult against France and everything it stands for (extra-marital affairs, underarm hair, capitulation with invaders…). The girl was NOT a fundamentalist Islamic crusader. Just a bitch.

And what else is a bitch is depicted above. Coming back to the tube station to find some baaaaaastard has nicked me back wheel. And don’t give me the ‘desperate people…’ plea, you can’t feed your family with spokes and rubber. I’ve tried. They don’t like it one bit.

So if you see a bike with a tyre that looks like it should be on my bike, punch the rider in the face and drag him to a police station.

Happy bleedin’, wheel-less Wednesday

A xxxx